Sexual Detox I: Pornifying the Marriage Bed: Tim Challies

I am going to devote this article to the topic of sex. I want to speak especially to young men, those who are teenagers or dating or engaged or newly married. However, I do hope that anyone can read and enjoy the series, even if the teen years are far behind you. I want to talk to young men as an older man. I would like to think that I’m in a sweet spot between young and old—where I am young enough to remember the troubles and travails of youth but old enough to bring a measure of maturity. I want to be forthright with you and yet I also want to be discreet; I often think we, as Christians, talk entirely too much about sex and in too much detail. You may accuse me of the former simply because I’ve written this series but I hope to remain innocent of the second.


I often thank God that I grew up in the years before the internet was in every home; I’m not sure that I would have handled it very well. It’s not like I’m ancient, either, but my thirty-three years do mean that I was born and raised in a pre-internet world. It is difficult to quantify or even qualify how the world has changed since the web tied us all together into this elaborate network of bits and bytes. There is scarcely an area of life that has remain untouched by it. We do not have the old world plus the Internet; we have a whole new world all around us. Even something as flesh and blood as sex has been radically altered in this digital world.

Teenagers in the 90s were not a lot different from teens today. We wanted the same things—we just had to work a little bit harder to get some of them. If we wanted to see pornography (and we did, of course), the process usually involved at least two kids working in tandem, one of whom would distract a shop keeper while the other would try to steal a magazine from the rack at the back of the store. It was dangerous, high stakes work that, if it went wrong, could easily involve a visit with the police. Times have changed.

Today a teenager needs only to turn on his computer and, within two or three clicks of the mouse, he can have unlimited amounts of pornography available to him. Today it is far more difficult to avoid pornography than it is to find it. It would be literally impossible for one person to watch all of the pornography being created today; there would not be enough hours in the day. Not even close.

Needless to say, teens, and teenaged boys in particular, are quick to take advantage of this pornographic feast. Even pre-teen boys are being drawn into the world of porn. From the first awakenings of a boy’s sexuality, he is being inundated with pornographic images. These are not simple images of naked women as they may have been a couple of generations ago, but are hard core images that often extend to what is base and degrading. The sexuality of a whole generation of children is being formed not by talks with their parents, not by reading the kind of book I was given as a young man, but by professional pornographers who will do anything, anything!, to fuel the increased desire for increased depravity.

This is the very nature of sin, isn’t it? Sin is always progressive in nature. If you give it an inch, it soon seeks to take a mile. Sin is never content, but always seeks and desires more. Have you ever been scared by your sin? Perhaps there was a time that you saw how a particular sin was taking you over. Maybe you had thought you were in control of your sin but suddenly found that, almost in an instant, it had increased to the next level. You were no longer in control—sin was leading the way and you were more and more just along for the ride, obeying the impulses of the flesh. This is a terrifying place to be and I believe everyone has experienced it at one time or another.

I know beyond doubt that many, many young (and middle-aged and old) men can testify to the power of pornography in taking over. The first glimpse of porn may be fleeting—intriguing but short-lived. A naked body is all the eye needs to see and it provides plenty of fuel for a while. But before long the heart craves more. What was once satisfying is now boring; what was once repulsive is suddenly desirable. Along the way, a person’s whole perception of sex is changed. No longer is sex simple intercourse between a man and a woman. Instead it becomes a series of acts, even acts that are in some way uncomfortable or degrading. Pornography teaches that sex is everything but intimate face-to-face, body-to-soul contact between willing spouses. And, as they say, life soon imitates “art.” Young men enter into marriage with their minds full of pornographic images and their hearts filled with the desire to fulfill pornographic fantasies.

A short time ago I read an article by a woman who considered herself a feminist. She insisted that she enjoyed sleeping with men and thought little of sleeping with a continual succession of men. Yet she shared what for her was a growing concern. More and more, she said, the men she slept with had no real interest in her at all. They simply wanted her to act like a porn star for their benefit. They were using her to do little more than act out their pornography. There was no tenderness, no desire for shared intimacy, and certainly no love. They simply used her body as a means to a very immediate end. This, she saw, was very quickly becoming the new norm. She was disgusted by it but saw that her feminist worldview gave her no real recourse, no effective means of explaining her disgust, her discomfort.

What seemed clear is that a generation of men, drowning in a cesspool of porn, has a new set of expectations for what they want from women. They want women to subdue their own selves in order to act like porn stars. The women walk away feeling like little more than prostitutes.

In the new bestseller SuperFreakonomics Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner spend almost an entire chapter investigating the economics of prostitution. They make many interesting observations, not the least of which is based on comparisons in the relative pricing between sex acts in the past and sex acts today. It seems that the taboo nature of certain acts has always claimed a certain premium. Yet “taboo” is a moving target. What was forbidden in the past, and hence what was expensive, is today so mainstream that the price has fallen substantially. What was once the most expensive act is today among the least expensive. Acts that were once taboo because of their exceedingly intimate or vulgar and degrading nature are now accepted as legitimate forms of sexual expression in any relationship. What would by any other standard be considered “normal” is now too undesirable, too boring. It has been replaced by the invasive, the degrading.

Pornography is inherently violent, inherently unloving. It is a perversion of sexuality, not a true form of it, and one that teaches violence and degradation at the expense of mutual pleasure and intimacy. It is about conquests, about conquering. It is the very opposite of God’s intention for sex. It tears love from sex, leaving sex as the immediate gratification of one’s most base desires. It lives beyond rules and ethics and morality. It exists far beyond love. And yet countless young men, Christian young men, are coming into marriage bringing with them all of this pornographic baggage.

Having seen thousands of sex acts in a pornographic setting, they load the porn star expectation upon their wives. The young husband assumes or demands that his wife will be willing to do anything, that she will do it all with the proper joy and encouragements, and that she will be as willing and eager and skilled as the women he has seen on the screen.

My great concern with young men today (which is really more a concern for their young wives) is that they may perhaps inadvertently or perhaps intentionally pornify the marriage bed. They may bring impurity to the pure, selfishness to the selfless. Having given themselves over to pornography, they have had their whole perception of sexuality altered, shaped by professional pornographers. They may be imposing on their young brides the impossible expectation of a porn star.

With the vast majority of young men having been exposed to pornography (at least 90% according to recent studies), with a large percentage of them having been addicted to it and with many enjoying it still as they enter into marriage, they need to have their understanding and their expectations reset according to the One who created sex.

Many young men need a kind of sexual detox before they are equipped to be the kind of pure, loving, attentive, sacrificial husbands that God calls them to be. In this series of articles I hope to help young men reorient their understanding of sex, both in the big picture and in the act itself, according to God’s plan for this great gift.


Source:
Sexual Detox I: Pornifying the Marriage Bed

1. Chelsey
October 26, 2009
9:19 AM

Thanks so much for this series. I’ve been married about six months and while I’m a female, I’m definitely looking forward to hearing more about this topic from an older saint who has much more wisdom than I or my husband do.

2. Dan
October 26, 2009
9:30 AM

I grew up like you did, in the pre-internet days, but I caught on fast after that and almost ruined everything. That’s as much as I’ll admit in this forum, but let me tell you that detox is much worse after you’re married than before, so I hope that your younger readers take you up on your offer of this sort of mentorship-by-distance and learn from you.

I’m very humbled by your post and I look forward to learning more from you myself.

3. Drew K
October 26, 200910:00 AM

Kudos to you Tim for taking on this important and pervasive issue. It is not fun but necessary partof the Lord purifying His church.

4. marriagejunkie
October 26, 2009
10:32 AM

Spot on! Going to RT on Twitter and link on the site for my book, Before “I Do”. (http://fullmarriageexperience.com) A real concern for young (and old) marriages and an issue to address for most young grooms to know about. Kudos and thanks!

5. Candice
October 26, 2009
10:36 AM

Tim, thanks for taking on this topic. I know as a wife affected by porn that it is a powerful tool that the enemy loves to use to tear down men and tear the hearts of their wives apart, too. Satan loves to whisper to men that it will only affect them, and that they aren’t hurting anyone but themselves. I look forward to reading your series that is setting out to debunk that lie.

6. Anonymous
October 26, 2009
10:54 AM

so are your next articles going to list out a “sexual detox” program?

7. Alan
October 26, 2009
10:56 AM

This was good, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. One thing I would add goes right in line with the major points of this post.

Once the pornstar expectations are placed on a wife, and she comes up short, it leads to more involvement in pornography to fill the void left by the non-pornstar wife. This only deepens the problem all the way around. The sin goes further, and the expectations become greater on the wife, who will have a harder time fulfilling these new expectations. And on and on it goes.

The whole thing seems so harmless at the very first, and yet it is so incredibly lethal to a person’s soul and marriage—if not more.

8. Dave Dunbar
October 26, 2009
11:00 AM

It is right to carefully address an insidious attack by the enemy upon Christians. Thank you, Tim.

One of the things that men need to remember is the pictures aren’t “real”. What I mean is that our standard of beauty is falsely affected by the parade of perfect bodies on TV, movies, etc. Even then, what percentage of pictures are photo-shopped? In other words, the perfect pictures have been altered, and do not reflect reality.

Or in the case of movies, the women involved in vile acts ACT like they enjoy it, but they are paid actresses (or porn stars, or whatever), and their false enjoyment of degrading activities in no way indicates that an honest and holy wife would enjoy such defilement of the marriage bed.

Please keep up the good work on this series of articles. Just taking a guess, this could become a popular and widely-read (and helpful!) series.

9. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
11:07 AM

so are your next articles going to list out a “sexual detox” program?

Pretty much. Then plan is to replace truth with lies.

Once the pornstar expectations are placed on a wife, and she comes up short, it leads to more involvement in pornography to fill the void left by the non-pornstar wife. This only deepens the problem all the way around. The sin goes further, and the expectations become greater on the wife, who will have a harder time fulfilling these new expectations. And on and on it goes.

Exactly so. This is the consistent pattern of sin, isn’t it? It spirals, it twists, it is never satisfied.

10. BigNorm
October 26, 2009
11:18 AM

Great Post.

As a newly-wed, we fought hard for a blank canvas to build our marriage on, including keeping the bedroom pure.

Divine innovation and creativity is the ONLY way to go for marriage.

Loving it.
N

11. Matthew
October 26, 2009
11:30 AM

“Pornography is inherently violent, inherently unloving. It is a perversion of sexuality, not a true form of it, and one that teaches violence and degradation at the expense of mutual pleasure and intimacy. It is about conquests, about conquering.”

I think you might be looking at the wrong kind of porn. There is some good stuff out there that is not violent or degrading. Don’t let the bad stuff spoil you on the rest.

Pornography and masturbation can have a role in a healthy marriage. It is very unlikely that you and your spouse will have the same appetite: allowing one of you to have some extra release can reduce the pressure on the other to perform when not in the mood.

12. Mike D
October 26, 2009
11:33 AM

Scripture itself teaches the bondage that sexual sin brings. After speaking of the sin of adultery and of some of the repurcussions (Proverbs 5), Solomon adds the following (v. 22)…”he will be HELD with the CORDS of his sin.”

There is an enslaving nature attached to sexual sin. By God’s grace I have been kept from it in large measure, but I have seen it wrap its tenticals around many a man and not relinquish. There is a reason that Solomon also says or the adulteress in verse 5 of that same chapter, “Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell.”

I am glad you are talking about it, Tim. But please encourage FATHERS to do their duty as watchmen upon the city wall - warning their children of this decieitful enemy. It is time for men, as heads of their households, to call sin what it is, and to be as the angel with the flaming sword, not allowing his family or his friends down that path, God giving him help. This duty should also be pressed upon SHEPHERDS of the flock of God, that they might watch over the souls that God has put under their charge.

May God give you help as you seek to chart a course - faithfully dealing with prevailing sin and men’s souls AND yet not giving such detail and content as would prove a carnal feast to our remaining flesh.

Matt. 11:12…”the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.” May God give us grace to do battle. It is a war. May God give us grace to deal ruthlessly with our remaining sin and the sin that so easily besets us. May we be willing to go to all extremes to be rid of it - even to such extremes as represented by an eye plucked out and a hand cut off. As Christ said, such extremes might be necessary if we would enter heaven.

13. Rodica
October 26, 2009
11:35 AM

what about writing a book on this topic? Haven’t seen a good book to recommend to someone with this problem. The book shelves may have many books on pre-marriage and marriage counseling yet I have not seen one that focuses squarely on this topic. Can you suggest any?

14. Ken Davis
October 26, 2009
11:37 AM

“I want to talk to young men as an older man … my thirty-three years…” - Well - you’re older than somebody.

15. Bonnie
October 26, 2009
11:40 AM

Thank you for addressing this topic. From my vantage point (being of a certain age, married 22 years, with a teenaged son), I wonder whether ubiquitous p*rn has simply ramped up something that men are already tempted toward. Even without taking it to base extremes, and absent p*rn, a young man can still develop a selfish sexual view toward women. Later he might be unloving and subtly degrading to his wife because he views her as a means to satisfy his fantasies rather than someone to relate with.

I think it’s important that young men, from the time they are small children, learn to view others, especially their female peers, in terms of relationship as fellow human beings, rather than objects of any type, sexual or otherwise. They need to be guided to learn how to express themselves properly across the board, so that they will be able to do so properly sexually as well, when the time comes. And yes, parents need to talk to their kids about sex, from an early age and age-appropriately, so they grow up to hold it in proper regard.

In this way, when temptation comes, they have strong values to hold onto, and character training from an early age which has strengthened them.

16. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
11:42 AM

I think you might be looking at the wrong kind of porn. There is some good stuff out there that is not violent or degrading. Don’t let the bad stuff spoil you on the rest.

Matthew - the foundational “badness” in pornography is not the violence. Pornography is bad simply because already it inflames the heart to adultery. Jesus says that adultery is not simply the act of sleeping with another person, but is as much as a lustful thought about another person. It is impossible to watch pornography and not be incited to lust. The whole point of pornography, even pornography that is “normal” as opposed to violent, is to incite sin.

Pornography and masturbation can have a role in a healthy marriage. It is very unlikely that you and your spouse will have the same appetite: allowing one of you to have some extra release can reduce the pressure on the other to perform when not in the mood.

Let’s just call this what it is—a man’s justification to look at porn and masturbate. Why even bother rationalizing?

17. Christina
October 26, 2009
11:47 AM

Thank you for taking this topic on. Until the church starts addressing these issues with the gospel of Jesus Christ we can have no hope that our culture will change. I look forward to this series.

18. Polarbear
October 26, 2009
12:12 PM

Thank you Tim for this post and I look forward to the series this week. This pornification of the marriage bed is perhaps the number one tool that the enemy is using to destroy Christian marriages.

Matthew, I am praying for you man.

19. Jerry
October 26, 2009
12:29 PM

Greetings,
I am excited about this series and will send the link to everyone I know. I think that this topic is of the utmost importance. There should be more conversations about this issue in our local churches. Maybe this will get some to start talking about it.

20. Eddy Alexandre
October 26, 2009
12:51 PM

I will be waiting…

21. Jerod
October 26, 2009
1:00 PM

Great post Tim. This is a deadly sin that so many times stays hidden and is not discussed. Church culture needs to change so that it’s ok to not be ok. Otherwise we will continue to hide sin and not find healing from it.

I hid for a long time. Bringing it to light by talking about it and confessing is extremely difficult, but the only place to find freedom and healing from it. (James 5:16) God forgives, and it’s through confession to one another we find healing!

22. Tom W.
October 26, 2009
1:29 PM

Wow, Matthew. That whole approach is wrong on so many levels; to add to Tim’s reply, consider this verse in your approach to sexual intimacy with your wife:
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; “
(Philippians 2:3)

23. Mike D
October 26, 2009
1:41 PM

Rodica…

…you asked about a good book on this subject.

I would recommend a small book by Randy Alcorn entitled…
The Purity Principle: God’s Safeguards for Life’s Dangerous Trails (LifeChange Books).

If you want an excerpt from the book, you can go here…
http://www.epm.org/artman2/publish/Randys_books_excerpts_from_Randys_books/Chapter_5_and_6_from_the_Purity_Principle.shtml

It is a small book and an easy read. I hope this helps…

24. Kath
October 26, 2009
1:44 PM

Please, please don’t overlook that this is a very serious issue for women too, too often men in the church have at this point in the porn conversation effectively told women to close their ears because this won’t affect them. The thing is it does. It’s a real and even more taboo struggle for many women who feel unable to be honest about all this because so many people hold the expectation that only men struggle with this. I’m tired of hearing pastors tell me that only the men should listen at these point. Women struggle in this area. Sure, we may struggle differently but it is no less pervasive and all the more dangerous because it’s a whole lot more harder to be honest about it.

25. Josh Reich
October 26, 2009
1:45 PM

Great post.

I just preached a message in a marriage series on pornography and what it does in a marriage. To go with that, my wife and I wrote on how a wife can handle her husband’s addiction and how to find healing: http://missionalthoughts.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/how-a-wife-handles-her-husbands-sexual-addiction/. This comes out of our personal experience and our story and how it shaped our marriage.

Looking forward to the rest of the series.

26. An Honest Question
October 26, 2009
2:14 PM

very needed stuff. excellent post. I would be interested, however, how you develop “right sex” from “porn star sex” in marriage. in Song of Solomon the couple seem to delight in pleasing one another, and she even dresses to delight his eyes. you mention “face to face intimacy” as if any other kind of sexual position might be wrong.

asking your wife to act like a porn star is obviously wrong but just what are the rules? if it delights a husband for his wife to wear “frilly pajamas” (so to speak!) is that wrong of him to ask her to do so? if the wife likes a man with a beard is it wrong for her to ask him to grow one? just how far is one obligated to go to bring sexual pleasure to their mate? I think that is an area a lot of marriage could use some help with. hope you will be able to address that.

27. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
2:18 PM

asking your wife to act like a porn star is obviously wrong but just what are the rules?

I am planning on covering some of that in a couple of days. There is a bit of ground work first, but we’ll get there.

you mention “face to face intimacy” as if any other kind of sexual position might be wrong.

I don’t mean to be a prude! I more just mean that there are things you can do in sex that personalize it (even without being nose-to-nose) and others that de-personalize it.

28. Grace
October 26, 2009
2:46 PM

Tim,

Looking forward to reading more!

29. Anonymous
October 26, 2009
2:46 PM

Thanks Kath for bringing to light that women struggle too. I am thankful Tim is addressing this issue.

30. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
2:49 PM

Please, please don’t overlook that this is a very serious issue for women too, too often men in the church have at this point in the porn conversation effectively told women to close their ears because this won’t affect them. The thing is it does.

I have purposely targeted this series to young men because I feel that I understand young men. I am not far removed from being one myself. I have infinitely less experience being a young woman so I hesitate to speak out about such things. However, I do think much of what I say will apply either way. If pornography is shaping a man’s expectation of his wife, it will also shape a wife’s expectation of her husband. And in either case, the solution will be to repent of sin and to replace sin with truth. So do stay tuned. I hope you’ll find the rest of the series relevant.

31. Neil King
October 26, 2009
3:08 PM

Like many others who have already commented, I really appreciate that you’re dealing with this issue, Tim. It’s the area of my life where I can mostly sympathise with Paul when he cries out ‘Who will save me from this body of death?’

In a way, I can thank God for the struggles I have with sexual sin. Obviously, this isn’t because He gave me these evil desires, which is a blasphemous idea to contemplate, but rather that I am constantly struggling with them rather than having them removed, because I truly know that my strength in overcoming sexual sin can only come from Him alone, and not from my own efforts. It is a constant reminder for me that the Christian life is not a holiday; rather it is a day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute struggle that we cannot hope to succeed in without God’s grace and mercy.

32. Rodica
October 26, 2009
4:31 PM

Mike D.
thanks for the book recommendation. After scanning the excerpt, I found it to be a very useful book to read, and to pass along to the young men and women in my family life.

…also, planning on passing on the full text of this article series , once complete, to family and friends. I agree with all other comments that speaking truth on this issue, at this time, is very warranted and very welcome.

33. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
4:34 PM

“Pornography is bad simply because already it inflames the heart to adultery.”

I’d blame the heart so inflamed, not the fuel.

If it weren’t porn leading to adultery, it’d be something else.

Until one can control vices, no matter the form, one is in danger of being weak and suspect, hypocritical and wicked… all while blaming the vice instead of one’s own character.

34. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
5:00 PM

I’d blame the heart so inflamed, not the fuel.

While I know what you are getting at, that is a bit of a silly line to take, I think. I’ll grant that pornography is not morally culpable (porn has no soul, will not go to hell, etc) it is still evil simply because it distorts and perverts. It is a medium used to share evil.

35. Tim Irvin
October 26, 2009
5:19 PM

I have to agree, whole-heartedly, with Daniel (#33). A man isn’t a thief because he steals, he steals because he is a thief already in his heart.
Any married person who turns to porn, even if they say they’re just curious, is doing so because adultery is already in their heart.
Discussion is not what is needed. Reproof is what is needed.
Ephesians 5:11-12

36. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
5:26 PM

“[Porn] is a medium used to share evil.”

With all due respect, Tim, so is religion. So what?

37. mark
October 26, 2009
5:27 PM

nice try on I’d blame the heart so inflame, not the fuel.”

however porn has no legit use of any kind. it’s express purpose is to incite lust. thus it can be blamed because there is no good thing to be said for it.

and while certainly granting that a heart that is not right with God will find other avenues of sin it is foolish to think that we can’t help the problem by pointing out how depraved this “fuel” really is, and all the effects that come from “consuming” it.

38. Anonymous, please
October 26, 2009
5:38 PM

As a redeemed sinner, one who - pre-conversion - became a feminist “out of necessity”, feeling abandoned by a husband who acted as if I were there to support him and be a playtoy at the same time, and then he would wondered why I began to shudder every time he even touched my shoulder, with both of us investigating what could be wrong with ME and why I was suddenly so frigid; and after the divorce, learning that I was anything but frigid, but became a misandrist due to exactly this sort of thing, I can recall lamenting that it seemed that men got their sex education from the skin flicks. There is nothing more dehumanizing than to be expected to live up to that expectation, and to have all sense of worth and value placed upon my ability to perform in that manner. The sheer selfishness inherent in that kind of mindset destroys women, it destroys marriages, and it destroys families.

39. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
5:46 PM

@mark (37.) :

How nice it must be to eradicate one’s life of all inciters and stimulus. :)

I can imagine a life worth living here on planet earth with no lust, no thirst, no desire to escape, no groove to satiate one’s need to grind on the dancefloor, no poetry to open a soul nor images to affect a heart, no food on which to gorge oneself.

Oh, wait… no I can’t.

“Porn” is what you make of it… one man’s porn is another man’s marital aid. One man’s joint is another man’s nausea helpmate. One man’s celebratory feast is another’s gluttonous escapade. One man’s justified vindication is another’s cold-blooded murder. The vice/method/tool/path is not evil. A man’s heart can be. Can be.

40. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
5:54 PM

@Anonymous, please (38.) :

“There is nothing more dehumanizing than to be expected to live up to that expectation, and to have all sense of worth and value placed upon my ability to perform in that manner.”

While your personal story is, indeed, sad and regrettable… there are more than a few experiences more dehumanizing than being expected perform like a porn star.

Just off the top of my head : think of being sold as a child sex slave; actual rape; or, you know, enjoying a spontaneous, free, and unplanned vacation in Dachau or Auschwitz circa 1939.

41. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
6:03 PM

Daniel - You’ve made your view well known. I think it’s probably a good idea for you to back off a bit now. You aren’t going to convince people here of what you’re saying.

42. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
6:05 PM

@Tim :

fair enough… all meant in the interest of honest discussion, please know that. :)

I’ll still be reading, with interest.

43. Anonymous, please
October 26, 2009
6:51 PM

Daniel,

You are correct. It’s the end of a long day, and I surely have misspoken to a degree, though perhaps you don’t know what it is to participate in some very dark situations just to please someone enough to keep a roof over your head (again, pre-conversion). But the coldness and callousness that comes through in your response to me is exactly the kind of attitude that makes it very clear that you don’t get it, and that you clearly have no desire to. As a result of all this, I was once quite heavily involved in the whole thing, not realizing it then but after a couple of decades of that kind of expectation, my attractiveness to the opposite sex and my ability to gain and hold their interest in that way was the only place I had any sense of any kind of worth - and I hated it, and I hated men because of it. One thing I think a lot of men really don’t understand, is the reality of the anatomy of it. Physically, it is an external act for you; for a woman it is internal; we are literally taking another person into ourselves.

Reading through this discussion thread, the one thing that stands out to me more than anything is that we in our flesh will do anything we can to justify our sin and hold onto our idols, muddying up the clear counsel of God on the matter of sin (if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out - so it doesn’t matter if your lust makes you look at porn, or your porn causes you to lust, it’s all sin, so just throw out the porn and seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.)

It wasn’t until recently, since Christ saved me (just last year!) that I have come to see a glorious picture of the Gospel in God’s design for the marriage relationship, and while I do believe that I am not a candidate for dating/marriage given the words of Christ, I love its design and I pray for the marriages of those around me. Here’s the thing I see - If marriage is intended to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and His church (His Bride), and the intimacy involved in that is intended to be a reflection of the unity between Christ and Christians (John 17) just as it is a reflection of the unity within in the Trinity, and if the covenant of marriage is intended to reflect the covenant between God and His people, then any turning away to satisfy the flesh in a cheapened version of the real thing just - to me - makes porn look like a golden calf, or maybe Asherim. It is not for no reason that God calls it adultery when His people turn to the world and to the flesh instead of to Himself, and He calls out lust as adultery, and I think too of the fact that Christ loves His Bride, He gave Himself up for her, He died for her, and if one’s spouse is a part of that Bride, and you’re (I say “you” in a general way) abusing that relationship (or that spouse) in that way, choosing to sow to the flesh rather than to the Spirit when intimacy is not possible, or if there is a refusal to submit to one another, then there is Another who is angry at you, whether the other spouse is (yet) or not.


44. DR
October 26, 2009
7:15 PM

Mark Driscoll wrote on this subject - Porn Again Christian - downloadable or read online. http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/

May you be given wisdom Tim to stick to scripture and grace on this subject and be succinct.

At 33yo I would not say you are an old man - you’re still young!

45. Mike Toreno
October 26, 2009
7:33 PM

I’m glad you wrote this, your view of the effects of pornography is so true! I don’t have any problem with pornography, but I have experienced an analogous issue. Last year I started watching Bollywood movies, and they have caused me to bring unrealistic expectations to my everyday experiences. Now, whenever any kind of significant event happens, I am disappointed whenever a group of singers and dancers fails to converge and put on a big production number. Just as with pornography, my viewing of Bollywood pictures has caused me to become dissatisfied with ordinary life. And it’s just the same whatever anyone reads, hears, or views. A lot of my friends read “Arabian Nights” and are now dissatisfied with ordinary, non-flying carpets.

46. Yooper
October 26, 2009
7:51 PM

Despite popular belief, there is no such thing as safe sin.

47. kitchen table
October 26, 2009
10:05 PM

I also grew up in the pre-internet days. Sex in my teenage years is not as easy as it is now. And internet has been a big factor for that. We thought what we are doing are not sinful because it is like everybody is doing it, too.

48. ANON
October 26, 2009
11:23 PM

A few observations Tim:
1. Please think of another name for this series. “Sexual Detox” sounds so humanistic and ‘program’ orientated. There is nothing wrong with appropriately expressed God - given human sexuality, within the confines of marriage. In fact it’s a wonderful blessing! Sexual expression within marriage needs no “detox”. For young men (and maybe women) who find themselves addicted to porn or whatever tickles their lust of the flesh … have done with sin!

2. You want to speak to young men you say … well let me tell you that some of us here are older men who have struggled all our Christian lives with the temptations of lust, of committing fornication with the eyes and our minds, of abusing our bodies, of misusing the organs meant for sexual pleasure for our wives and ourselves within the marital bed. The locusts have eaten the years which should have been spent with the wife of one’s youth and given them the second best.

3. The sins of the flesh are rampant but well concealed from one another within the church. I sometimes wonder as I hear some great preacher-teacher whether they too are beset with the same sins we’re taking about here. Having preached - do they then go home to secretly view porn somewhere? (Actually I have heard mature Christian business men - one a Christian bookseller admit that they have to work so hard to keep their mind-heart in check when away from their wife - once it was the temptation of a playboy at the newsagent, for another watching porn movies in the hotel whilst they were away…)

4. The devil wants all Christians dead…. he wanted Adam and Eve dead and he many a Christian man, he has made dead (in ministry and marriage and godliness).


If you are a young man (or woman) - this sounds like a “must read” series and may God give us all grace, and may we be men (and women) of conviction to do that which is right. have done with sin! His grace is sufficient!

49. Jennifer
October 27, 2009
1:56 AM

To Annon, please
I am praising the Lord for the work He has done in you and in your life! He is so good and merciful! I loved your words and hope you keep contributing.
To Tim
Thank you so much for putting your eloquence to this difficult subject. We have three boys and a girl and need to hear what you have to say. I will be praying for you as you craft these posts.
God Bless you.

50. J. B. Hood
October 27, 2009
8:52 AM

Tim,

What is the feminist writer who noted the pornification of sex in the men she was with, and where was that article?

Thanks

51. C
October 27, 2009
10:13 AM

I would like to address Daniel. Porn is indeed evil. It work solely to give people sexual (and not at all spiritual) release one-on-one, when sex is designed to be communion.
Calling out think about all the worse things like rape and child abuse and genocide… that is absurd. Absolutely absurd and pardon, but I would hope you try to purge your soul of the devil working through you.This is an important discussion for everyone to hear, and your comments through it seek only to protect the sin everyone struggles against.
What would you say to a woman who has been sexually assaulted and raped, but not killed? “Don’t focus on that, because it has been a lot worse for others?” That is the same as saying porn is not bad when you look at everything else bad in the world. For shame.
And porn and masturbation are not ok. I have been in the mood when he is not, and I wait or relive in my mind memories that belong to the two of us. To tun to another avenue and leave him out of such a beautiful thing, and to create for me a sexual memory that excludes him, would be to cheat on him and on God, and is wrong.

As for sex itself, when everyone was talking on face-to-face etc, I can speak from personal experience on that. There are a myriad of positions and acts, but when each one is a gift that you give to each other, you feel as pure and whole if you face a pillow or are under covers as when you face each other. The sex acts are acts of love, and when you truly love your partner (or man for me, since I’m a woman), any of them feel like gifts. If it didn’t, you would feel dirty whenever an act was pleasuring one or the other of you, and it doesn’t. If you’re the one giving, the act turns you on as well because you know what you give and how much you light him up, and when he gives to you you know its from the heart and it feels that way. I always feel like a beacon at the close of our sessions, and very close to God, and I think that’s the purpose, to honor and fulfill one another in the eyes of God.

I don’t know if you can post this Tim, since I suppose I’m mildly graphic, but I think it’s important to let people know.

A good standard, for me, I remember telling my younger brother when he got his first girlfriend and was struggling with where the line was, I told him to only do what you were comfortable with God knowing you’re doing. God has to be present.

The sexual relationship- God gave it to us, and it should be held in highest esteem and regard, not degraded and perverted by the obscene and base in pornography.

The same act in a willing marriage partnership and in porn would be entirely different, because one is a mutual glorification, and one a degradation.

52. Brian Roden
October 27, 2009
11:43 AM

Some books to recommend:

The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity by Joe Dallas
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Plan-Strategy-Attaining-Integrity/dp/0849906334/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256658066&sr=8-4

At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallagher
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Plan-Strategy-Attaining-Integrity/dp/0849906334/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256658066&sr=8-4

Think Before You Look: 40 Powerful Reasons to Avoid Pornography by Daniel Henderson
http://www.amazon.com/Think-Before-You-Look-Pornography/dp/0899571646/ref=pd_sim_b_1

53. Traylor Lovvorn
October 27, 2009
3:19 PM

Tim-

Thank you for this wonderful post and for addressing the growing epidemic coming at the Church like a tsunami. In my experience, the Church has not talked enough about sex and therefore has created a vacuum that has allowed most of our education about sex to come, as you say, from the pornographers.

The silence of the Church and unwillingness to talk frankly about this subject has robbed many couples of a proper understanding of sex in their relationship. In a series of articles that have come out over the last few months, many Church leaders are even proposing that the solution is to encourage marriage at an earlier age. The sentiment seems to be that if we get kids married earlier then they’ll get to have sex and we won’t have to live with the tension of how to properly address the issue.

I am a recovering sex addict who lost my wife and family after 11 years of marriage because of my addiction. After six years of divorce, God miraculously reconciled my ex wife and I. (Our Story) I facilitate a sexual addiction recovery group and work with many couples and individuals who are living in the pain and brokenness that this epidemic brings.

I look forward to reading your upcoming posts and appreciate you dealing head-on with this all important topic!

Traylor

54. Brad
October 27, 2009
3:33 PM

“Pornography and masturbation can have a role in a healthy marriage. It is very unlikely that you and your spouse will have the same appetite: allowing one of you to have some extra release can reduce the pressure on the other to perform when not in the mood.”

Matthew - can I humbly encourage you to read this article: http://ccef.org/its-all-about-me-problem-masturbation. It really challenged my thinking on the subject, and specifically addresses your scenario.

55. Melanie
October 27, 2009
3:54 PM

Where I live when a man is arrested for picking up a prostitute he is sent to “John School” where he will hear the first hand testimony of former prostitutes that they do not enjoy their trade. It is a BIG, BOLD, LIE to believe that women working in any form of the sex trade are there by choice and because they like it. An overwhelming amount of those women were molested as young girls and have been abused and used their whole lives.
Annie Lobert shares her story on her site (http://www.hookersforjesus.net/anniestestimony.cfm):
“Sex for money is NOT pleasurable, it is NOT fun, us girls DO NOT enjoy it—in fact there were many times I just wanted to hurt the man that was touching me! … I had to be the best actress all of time just to make sure I got paid—men actually thought I enjoyed what I did. How could men think this? It was a flat out LIE! This is SEXUAL ABUSE in its worst form—a jail cell of your mind….Many times I just wanted to die when I went to sleep at night after I worked, I felt so dirty, sleazy—I felt had no way out—because…who would actually RESPECT me or let alone LOVE ME if they found out what I did for a living?”

56. J.P.H.
October 28, 2009
10:52 AM

Melanie- While I’m certainly not going to disagree with you on whether prostitutes “enjoy” the actual act of prostituting themselves, I do think some folks do it “by choice”. I recently read an article about a phenomenon in Hong Kong where high school age girls are prostituting themselves for money to buy clothes, fancy cell phones, etc. If the article is to be believed, they aren’t from the demographic one would normally expect prostitutes to come from. They’re middle class, stable family situation, etc. And not all of them become “career prostitutes”.

After some digging, here’s the article:

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/09/24/hongkong.teenage.prostitution/

57. Daniel Holter
October 28, 2009
2:42 PM

@ C (51.) :

Thanks for your response, but I think it’s safe we say we’ll disagree on just about everything regarding the issue at hand. I’ll respect Tim’s wishes and not further a discussion that will likely run (far) off course from his intended topic.

I’m curious, though, how I might “try to purge [my] soul of the devil working through [me].” If you want to pray for me, feel free… or to offer some advice directly, you can reach me by clicking my name.

58. Tim Challies
October 28, 2009
4:16 PM

While I’m certainly not going to disagree with you on whether prostitutes “enjoy” the actual act of prostituting themselves, I do think some folks do it “by choice”.

There are definitely some of both. I would think that the vast majority are in it through force or through perceived necessity (“I have to feed my kids somehow…” or “I need to earn money to support my habit…”). The percentage who would be in it fully voluntarily would be very small. And even then I suspect many of them would come from backgrounds that, in one way or another, would have nudged them toward it, perhaps through abuse or another factor. Prostitution is just so far from God’s design for women that it takes a remarkable hardening of God-given feminine instincts for a women to give herself to it and to enjoy it.

59. Brian
October 28, 2009
5:51 PM

Tim, can you expand on what you mean when you say

I want to be forthright with you and yet I also want to be discreet; I often think we, as Christians, talk entirely too much about sex and in too much detail.

On the face of it I have an exactly opposite view and would love to know what you’re referring to here.

60. Jake Aharonian
October 29, 2009
1:26 AM

JB—I think you mean the article by Naomi Wolf http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

61. Tim Challies
October 29, 2009
9:00 AM

I want to be forthright with you and yet I also want to be discreet; I often think we, as Christians, talk entirely too much about sex and in too much detail.

Well, maybe the first part isn’t entirely true. Sometimes I think that we talk about it too much these days (e.g. all these sex sermon series being preached in churches today). And I am definitely convinced we often do so in too much detail (and here a series like Driscoll’s on Song of Solomon comes to mind). The Bible is always subtle when it comes to the actual act of sex and I think we do well to follow that example.

62. Sarah R.
October 29, 2009
1:12 PM

In your comment about the feminist writer, you said that feminism gave her no recourse to feelings of being sexually used by men—but this is wrong, and reflects a shallow understanding of feminism.

Feminism provides the greatest recourse of all, which is to give women a voice in their own relationships. If she’s unsatisfied with her relationships, a feminist view would encourage her to speak up and communicate instead of enduring it silently, wondering what’s wrong.

Unfortunately, the writer you used as an example is not a very good example of a feminist, and I hope that your readers don’t come away thinking of feminism as an excuse to throw one’s body around willy-nilly without regard to consequences.

63. Michael
October 29, 2009
1:49 PM

Interesting discussion. Came over from The Point blog. Glad I did. What I find fascinating is that I know everything that’s mentioned here, all the down sides of porn, why we shouldn’t view it, and yet none of that was enough for me to overcome my attraction to it. And I personally didn’t experience many of the down sides to it, except shame and distancing myself from my relationship from God.

Bad enough, I know, but it’s hard to turn away from something you like. I never treated my wife like a porn star. I never got increasingly addicted. It’s not something I HAD to do, it’s something I liked to do. I also never grew increasingly attracted to a wider array of sex. What was disgusting to me 10 or 20 years ago, is still disgusting to me. One down side I should mention is what porn makes a wife feel like when she knows her husband “likes” it. She feels inadequate and betrayed in a way. I never viewed it with her, but she knew. I believe women will always be somewhat insecure in their relationships, but porn doesn’t help.

But I don’t tell all this to say anything talked about here is not legitimate, only that it didn’t work for me. But something did, and I can never view porn the same again. It was so powerful to me that I literally can never “like” porn again. The illusion of consequences free sex, i.e. porn, was torn from me forever.

It was simply something I read at xxx.church.com about women not enjoying making porn movies, which lead me to Shelly Lubben’s Myspace page. She’s an ex-porn star and now she minsters to women who want to get out of “the industry.” You watch some of those videos of ex-porn stars, and watch Shelly’s testimony, and you tell me porn is just a bunch of people having a good time. Porn is abuse of women, pure and simple, and every “actress” is a woman who is dysfunctional in some way. It uses women for male fantasies. Porn is for men, because men want women to be sexually like men, and thus porn has to destroy a woman’s nature to have her act like she enjoys having sex in front of a camera. Even one click supports the abuse of women, and I just can’t do it anymore.

64. Jim Martin
October 30, 2009
11:44 AM

Tim,
A very good and important post. Thanks for taking the time to develop this series. Much damage has come to new marriages because of this issue.

65. Chris Poblete
October 31, 2009
1:44 AM

Tim,

I seriously love this blog. You can bet that I will be sharing this with a lot of dudes my age, and I will surely profit from this series myself.

Thanks again, man!
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1. Chelsey
October 26, 2009
9:19 AM

Thanks so much for this series. I’ve been married about six months and while I’m a female, I’m definitely looking forward to hearing more about this topic from an older saint who has much more wisdom than I or my husband do.

2. Dan
October 26, 2009
9:30 AM

I grew up like you did, in the pre-internet days, but I caught on fast after that and almost ruined everything. That’s as much as I’ll admit in this forum, but let me tell you that detox is much worse after you’re married than before, so I hope that your younger readers take you up on your offer of this sort of mentorship-by-distance and learn from you.

I’m very humbled by your post and I look forward to learning more from you myself.

3. Drew K
October 26, 2009
10:00 AM

Kudos to you Tim for taking on this important and pervasive issue. It is not fun but necessary partof the Lord purifying His church.

4. marriagejunkie
October 26, 2009
10:32 AM

Spot on! Going to RT on Twitter and link on the site for my book, Before “I Do”. (http://fullmarriageexperience.com) A real concern for young (and old) marriages and an issue to address for most young grooms to know about. Kudos and thanks!

5. Candice
October 26, 2009
10:36 AM

Tim, thanks for taking on this topic. I know as a wife affected by porn that it is a powerful tool that the enemy loves to use to tear down men and tear the hearts of their wives apart, too. Satan loves to whisper to men that it will only affect them, and that they aren’t hurting anyone but themselves. I look forward to reading your series that is setting out to debunk that lie.

6. Anonymous
October 26, 2009
10:54 AM

so are your next articles going to list out a “sexual detox” program?

7. Alan
October 26, 2009
10:56 AM

This was good, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. One thing I would add goes right in line with the major points of this post.

Once the pornstar expectations are placed on a wife, and she comes up short, it leads to more involvement in pornography to fill the void left by the non-pornstar wife. This only deepens the problem all the way around. The sin goes further, and the expectations become greater on the wife, who will have a harder time fulfilling these new expectations. And on and on it goes.

The whole thing seems so harmless at the very first, and yet it is so incredibly lethal to a person’s soul and marriage—if not more.

8. Dave Dunbar
October 26, 2009
11:00 AM

It is right to carefully address an insidious attack by the enemy upon Christians. Thank you, Tim.

One of the things that men need to remember is the pictures aren’t “real”. What I mean is that our standard of beauty is falsely affected by the parade of perfect bodies on TV, movies, etc. Even then, what percentage of pictures are photo-shopped? In other words, the perfect pictures have been altered, and do not reflect reality.

Or in the case of movies, the women involved in vile acts ACT like they enjoy it, but they are paid actresses (or porn stars, or whatever), and their false enjoyment of degrading activities in no way indicates that an honest and holy wife would enjoy such defilement of the marriage bed.

Please keep up the good work on this series of articles. Just taking a guess, this could become a popular and widely-read (and helpful!) series.

9. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
11:07 AM

so are your next articles going to list out a “sexual detox” program?

Pretty much. Then plan is to replace truth with lies.

Once the pornstar expectations are placed on a wife, and she comes up short, it leads to more involvement in pornography to fill the void left by the non-pornstar wife. This only deepens the problem all the way around. The sin goes further, and the expectations become greater on the wife, who will have a harder time fulfilling these new expectations. And on and on it goes.

Exactly so. This is the consistent pattern of sin, isn’t it? It spirals, it twists, it is never satisfied.

10. BigNorm
October 26, 2009
11:18 AM

Great Post.

As a newly-wed, we fought hard for a blank canvas to build our marriage on, including keeping the bedroom pure.

Divine innovation and creativity is the ONLY way to go for marriage.

Loving it.
N

11. Matthew
October 26, 2009
11:30 AM

“Pornography is inherently violent, inherently unloving. It is a perversion of sexuality, not a true form of it, and one that teaches violence and degradation at the expense of mutual pleasure and intimacy. It is about conquests, about conquering.”

I think you might be looking at the wrong kind of porn. There is some good stuff out there that is not violent or degrading. Don’t let the bad stuff spoil you on the rest.

Pornography and masturbation can have a role in a healthy marriage. It is very unlikely that you and your spouse will have the same appetite: allowing one of you to have some extra release can reduce the pressure on the other to perform when not in the mood.

12. Mike D
October 26, 2009
11:33 AM

Scripture itself teaches the bondage that sexual sin brings. After speaking of the sin of adultery and of some of the repurcussions (Proverbs 5), Solomon adds the following (v. 22)…”he will be HELD with the CORDS of his sin.”

There is an enslaving nature attached to sexual sin. By God’s grace I have been kept from it in large measure, but I have seen it wrap its tenticals around many a man and not relinquish. There is a reason that Solomon also says or the adulteress in verse 5 of that same chapter, “Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of hell.”

I am glad you are talking about it, Tim. But please encourage FATHERS to do their duty as watchmen upon the city wall - warning their children of this decieitful enemy. It is time for men, as heads of their households, to call sin what it is, and to be as the angel with the flaming sword, not allowing his family or his friends down that path, God giving him help. This duty should also be pressed upon SHEPHERDS of the flock of God, that they might watch over the souls that God has put under their charge.

May God give you help as you seek to chart a course - faithfully dealing with prevailing sin and men’s souls AND yet not giving such detail and content as would prove a carnal feast to our remaining flesh.

Matt. 11:12…”the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force.” May God give us grace to do battle. It is a war. May God give us grace to deal ruthlessly with our remaining sin and the sin that so easily besets us. May we be willing to go to all extremes to be rid of it - even to such extremes as represented by an eye plucked out and a hand cut off. As Christ said, such extremes might be necessary if we would enter heaven.

13. Rodica
October 26, 2009
11:35 AM

what about writing a book on this topic? Haven’t seen a good book to recommend to someone with this problem. The book shelves may have many books on pre-marriage and marriage counseling yet I have not seen one that focuses squarely on this topic. Can you suggest any?

14. Ken Davis
October 26, 2009
11:37 AM

“I want to talk to young men as an older man … my thirty-three years…” - Well - you’re older than somebody.

15. Bonnie
October 26, 2009
11:40 AM

Thank you for addressing this topic. From my vantage point (being of a certain age, married 22 years, with a teenaged son), I wonder whether ubiquitous p*rn has simply ramped up something that men are already tempted toward. Even without taking it to base extremes, and absent p*rn, a young man can still develop a selfish sexual view toward women. Later he might be unloving and subtly degrading to his wife because he views her as a means to satisfy his fantasies rather than someone to relate with.

I think it’s important that young men, from the time they are small children, learn to view others, especially their female peers, in terms of relationship as fellow human beings, rather than objects of any type, sexual or otherwise. They need to be guided to learn how to express themselves properly across the board, so that they will be able to do so properly sexually as well, when the time comes. And yes, parents need to talk to their kids about sex, from an early age and age-appropriately, so they grow up to hold it in proper regard.

In this way, when temptation comes, they have strong values to hold onto, and character training from an early age which has strengthened them.

16. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
11:42 AM

I think you might be looking at the wrong kind of porn. There is some good stuff out there that is not violent or degrading. Don’t let the bad stuff spoil you on the rest.

Matthew - the foundational “badness” in pornography is not the violence. Pornography is bad simply because already it inflames the heart to adultery. Jesus says that adultery is not simply the act of sleeping with another person, but is as much as a lustful thought about another person. It is impossible to watch pornography and not be incited to lust. The whole point of pornography, even pornography that is “normal” as opposed to violent, is to incite sin.

Pornography and masturbation can have a role in a healthy marriage. It is very unlikely that you and your spouse will have the same appetite: allowing one of you to have some extra release can reduce the pressure on the other to perform when not in the mood.

Let’s just call this what it is—a man’s justification to look at porn and masturbate. Why even bother rationalizing?

17. Christina
October 26, 2009
11:47 AM

Thank you for taking this topic on. Until the church starts addressing these issues with the gospel of Jesus Christ we can have no hope that our culture will change. I look forward to this series.

18. Polarbear
October 26, 2009
12:12 PM

Thank you Tim for this post and I look forward to the series this week. This pornification of the marriage bed is perhaps the number one tool that the enemy is using to destroy Christian marriages.

Matthew, I am praying for you man.

19. Jerry
October 26, 2009
12:29 PM

Greetings,
I am excited about this series and will send the link to everyone I know. I think that this topic is of the utmost importance. There should be more conversations about this issue in our local churches. Maybe this will get some to start talking about it.

20. Eddy Alexandre
October 26, 2009
12:51 PM

I will be waiting…

21. Jerod
October 26, 2009
1:00 PM

Great post Tim. This is a deadly sin that so many times stays hidden and is not discussed. Church culture needs to change so that it’s ok to not be ok. Otherwise we will continue to hide sin and not find healing from it.

I hid for a long time. Bringing it to light by talking about it and confessing is extremely difficult, but the only place to find freedom and healing from it. (James 5:16) God forgives, and it’s through confession to one another we find healing!

22. Tom W.
October 26, 2009
1:29 PM

Wow, Matthew. That whole approach is wrong on so many levels; to add to Tim’s reply, consider this verse in your approach to sexual intimacy with your wife:
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; “
(Philippians 2:3)

23. Mike D
October 26, 2009
1:41 PM

Rodica…

…you asked about a good book on this subject.

I would recommend a small book by Randy Alcorn entitled…
The Purity Principle: God’s Safeguards for Life’s Dangerous Trails (LifeChange Books).

If you want an excerpt from the book, you can go here…
http://www.epm.org/artman2/publish/Randys_books_excerpts_from_Randys_books/Chapter_5_and_6_from_the_Purity_Principle.shtml

It is a small book and an easy read. I hope this helps…

24. Kath
October 26, 2009
1:44 PM

Please, please don’t overlook that this is a very serious issue for women too, too often men in the church have at this point in the porn conversation effectively told women to close their ears because this won’t affect them. The thing is it does. It’s a real and even more taboo struggle for many women who feel unable to be honest about all this because so many people hold the expectation that only men struggle with this. I’m tired of hearing pastors tell me that only the men should listen at these point. Women struggle in this area. Sure, we may struggle differently but it is no less pervasive and all the more dangerous because it’s a whole lot more harder to be honest about it.

25. Josh Reich
October 26, 2009
1:45 PM

Great post.

I just preached a message in a marriage series on pornography and what it does in a marriage. To go with that, my wife and I wrote on how a wife can handle her husband’s addiction and how to find healing: http://missionalthoughts.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/how-a-wife-handles-her-husbands-sexual-addiction/. This comes out of our personal experience and our story and how it shaped our marriage.

Looking forward to the rest of the series.

26. An Honest Question
October 26, 2009
2:14 PM

very needed stuff. excellent post. I would be interested, however, how you develop “right sex” from “porn star sex” in marriage. in Song of Solomon the couple seem to delight in pleasing one another, and she even dresses to delight his eyes. you mention “face to face intimacy” as if any other kind of sexual position might be wrong.

asking your wife to act like a porn star is obviously wrong but just what are the rules? if it delights a husband for his wife to wear “frilly pajamas” (so to speak!) is that wrong of him to ask her to do so? if the wife likes a man with a beard is it wrong for her to ask him to grow one? just how far is one obligated to go to bring sexual pleasure to their mate? I think that is an area a lot of marriage could use some help with. hope you will be able to address that.

27. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
2:18 PM

asking your wife to act like a porn star is obviously wrong but just what are the rules?

I am planning on covering some of that in a couple of days. There is a bit of ground work first, but we’ll get there.

you mention “face to face intimacy” as if any other kind of sexual position might be wrong.

I don’t mean to be a prude! I more just mean that there are things you can do in sex that personalize it (even without being nose-to-nose) and others that de-personalize it.

28. Grace
October 26, 2009
2:46 PM

Tim,

Looking forward to reading more!

29. Anonymous
October 26, 2009
2:46 PM

Thanks Kath for bringing to light that women struggle too. I am thankful Tim is addressing this issue.

30. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
2:49 PM

Please, please don’t overlook that this is a very serious issue for women too, too often men in the church have at this point in the porn conversation effectively told women to close their ears because this won’t affect them. The thing is it does.

I have purposely targeted this series to young men because I feel that I understand young men. I am not far removed from being one myself. I have infinitely less experience being a young woman so I hesitate to speak out about such things. However, I do think much of what I say will apply either way. If pornography is shaping a man’s expectation of his wife, it will also shape a wife’s expectation of her husband. And in either case, the solution will be to repent of sin and to replace sin with truth. So do stay tuned. I hope you’ll find the rest of the series relevant.

31. Neil King
October 26, 2009
3:08 PM

Like many others who have already commented, I really appreciate that you’re dealing with this issue, Tim. It’s the area of my life where I can mostly sympathise with Paul when he cries out ‘Who will save me from this body of death?’

In a way, I can thank God for the struggles I have with sexual sin. Obviously, this isn’t because He gave me these evil desires, which is a blasphemous idea to contemplate, but rather that I am constantly struggling with them rather than having them removed, because I truly know that my strength in overcoming sexual sin can only come from Him alone, and not from my own efforts. It is a constant reminder for me that the Christian life is not a holiday; rather it is a day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute struggle that we cannot hope to succeed in without God’s grace and mercy.

32. Rodica
October 26, 2009
4:31 PM

Mike D.
thanks for the book recommendation. After scanning the excerpt, I found it to be a very useful book to read, and to pass along to the young men and women in my family life.

…also, planning on passing on the full text of this article series , once complete, to family and friends. I agree with all other comments that speaking truth on this issue, at this time, is very warranted and very welcome.

33. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
4:34 PM

“Pornography is bad simply because already it inflames the heart to adultery.”

I’d blame the heart so inflamed, not the fuel.

If it weren’t porn leading to adultery, it’d be something else.

Until one can control vices, no matter the form, one is in danger of being weak and suspect, hypocritical and wicked… all while blaming the vice instead of one’s own character.

34. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
5:00 PM

I’d blame the heart so inflamed, not the fuel.

While I know what you are getting at, that is a bit of a silly line to take, I think. I’ll grant that pornography is not morally culpable (porn has no soul, will not go to hell, etc) it is still evil simply because it distorts and perverts. It is a medium used to share evil.

35. Tim Irvin
October 26, 2009
5:19 PM

I have to agree, whole-heartedly, with Daniel (#33). A man isn’t a thief because he steals, he steals because he is a thief already in his heart.
Any married person who turns to porn, even if they say they’re just curious, is doing so because adultery is already in their heart.
Discussion is not what is needed. Reproof is what is needed.
Ephesians 5:11-12

36. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
5:26 PM

“[Porn] is a medium used to share evil.”

With all due respect, Tim, so is religion. So what?

37. mark
October 26, 2009
5:27 PM

nice try on I’d blame the heart so inflame, not the fuel.”

however porn has no legit use of any kind. it’s express purpose is to incite lust. thus it can be blamed because there is no good thing to be said for it.

and while certainly granting that a heart that is not right with God will find other avenues of sin it is foolish to think that we can’t help the problem by pointing out how depraved this “fuel” really is, and all the effects that come from “consuming” it.

38. Anonymous, please
October 26, 2009
5:38 PM

As a redeemed sinner, one who - pre-conversion - became a feminist “out of necessity”, feeling abandoned by a husband who acted as if I were there to support him and be a playtoy at the same time, and then he would wondered why I began to shudder every time he even touched my shoulder, with both of us investigating what could be wrong with ME and why I was suddenly so frigid; and after the divorce, learning that I was anything but frigid, but became a misandrist due to exactly this sort of thing, I can recall lamenting that it seemed that men got their sex education from the skin flicks. There is nothing more dehumanizing than to be expected to live up to that expectation, and to have all sense of worth and value placed upon my ability to perform in that manner. The sheer selfishness inherent in that kind of mindset destroys women, it destroys marriages, and it destroys families.

39. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
5:46 PM

@mark (37.) :

How nice it must be to eradicate one’s life of all inciters and stimulus. :)

I can imagine a life worth living here on planet earth with no lust, no thirst, no desire to escape, no groove to satiate one’s need to grind on the dancefloor, no poetry to open a soul nor images to affect a heart, no food on which to gorge oneself.

Oh, wait… no I can’t.

“Porn” is what you make of it… one man’s porn is another man’s marital aid. One man’s joint is another man’s nausea helpmate. One man’s celebratory feast is another’s gluttonous escapade. One man’s justified vindication is another’s cold-blooded murder. The vice/method/tool/path is not evil. A man’s heart can be. Can be.

40. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
5:54 PM

@Anonymous, please (38.) :

“There is nothing more dehumanizing than to be expected to live up to that expectation, and to have all sense of worth and value placed upon my ability to perform in that manner.”

While your personal story is, indeed, sad and regrettable… there are more than a few experiences more dehumanizing than being expected perform like a porn star.

Just off the top of my head : think of being sold as a child sex slave; actual rape; or, you know, enjoying a spontaneous, free, and unplanned vacation in Dachau or Auschwitz circa 1939.

41. Tim Challies
October 26, 2009
6:03 PM

Daniel - You’ve made your view well known. I think it’s probably a good idea for you to back off a bit now. You aren’t going to convince people here of what you’re saying.

42. Daniel Holter
October 26, 2009
6:05 PM

@Tim :

fair enough… all meant in the interest of honest discussion, please know that. :)

I’ll still be reading, with interest.

43. Anonymous, please
October 26, 2009
6:51 PM

Daniel,

You are correct. It’s the end of a long day, and I surely have misspoken to a degree, though perhaps you don’t know what it is to participate in some very dark situations just to please someone enough to keep a roof over your head (again, pre-conversion). But the coldness and callousness that comes through in your response to me is exactly the kind of attitude that makes it very clear that you don’t get it, and that you clearly have no desire to. As a result of all this, I was once quite heavily involved in the whole thing, not realizing it then but after a couple of decades of that kind of expectation, my attractiveness to the opposite sex and my ability to gain and hold their interest in that way was the only place I had any sense of any kind of worth - and I hated it, and I hated men because of it. One thing I think a lot of men really don’t understand, is the reality of the anatomy of it. Physically, it is an external act for you; for a woman it is internal; we are literally taking another person into ourselves.

Reading through this discussion thread, the one thing that stands out to me more than anything is that we in our flesh will do anything we can to justify our sin and hold onto our idols, muddying up the clear counsel of God on the matter of sin (if your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out - so it doesn’t matter if your lust makes you look at porn, or your porn causes you to lust, it’s all sin, so just throw out the porn and seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.)

It wasn’t until recently, since Christ saved me (just last year!) that I have come to see a glorious picture of the Gospel in God’s design for the marriage relationship, and while I do believe that I am not a candidate for dating/marriage given the words of Christ, I love its design and I pray for the marriages of those around me. Here’s the thing I see - If marriage is intended to be a reflection of the relationship between Christ and His church (His Bride), and the intimacy involved in that is intended to be a reflection of the unity between Christ and Christians (John 17) just as it is a reflection of the unity within in the Trinity, and if the covenant of marriage is intended to reflect the covenant between God and His people, then any turning away to satisfy the flesh in a cheapened version of the real thing just - to me - makes porn look like a golden calf, or maybe Asherim. It is not for no reason that God calls it adultery when His people turn to the world and to the flesh instead of to Himself, and He calls out lust as adultery, and I think too of the fact that Christ loves His Bride, He gave Himself up for her, He died for her, and if one’s spouse is a part of that Bride, and you’re (I say “you” in a general way) abusing that relationship (or that spouse) in that way, choosing to sow to the flesh rather than to the Spirit when intimacy is not possible, or if there is a refusal to submit to one another, then there is Another who is angry at you, whether the other spouse is (yet) or not.


44. DR
October 26, 2009
7:15 PM

Mark Driscoll wrote on this subject - Porn Again Christian - downloadable or read online. http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/

May you be given wisdom Tim to stick to scripture and grace on this subject and be succinct.

At 33yo I would not say you are an old man - you’re still young!

45. Mike Toreno
October 26, 2009
7:33 PM

I’m glad you wrote this, your view of the effects of pornography is so true! I don’t have any problem with pornography, but I have experienced an analogous issue. Last year I started watching Bollywood movies, and they have caused me to bring unrealistic expectations to my everyday experiences. Now, whenever any kind of significant event happens, I am disappointed whenever a group of singers and dancers fails to converge and put on a big production number. Just as with pornography, my viewing of Bollywood pictures has caused me to become dissatisfied with ordinary life. And it’s just the same whatever anyone reads, hears, or views. A lot of my friends read “Arabian Nights” and are now dissatisfied with ordinary, non-flying carpets.

46. Yooper
October 26, 2009
7:51 PM

Despite popular belief, there is no such thing as safe sin.

47. kitchen table
October 26, 2009
10:05 PM

I also grew up in the pre-internet days. Sex in my teenage years is not as easy as it is now. And internet has been a big factor for that. We thought what we are doing are not sinful because it is like everybody is doing it, too.

48. ANON
October 26, 2009
11:23 PM

A few observations Tim:
1. Please think of another name for this series. “Sexual Detox” sounds so humanistic and ‘program’ orientated. There is nothing wrong with appropriately expressed God - given human sexuality, within the confines of marriage. In fact it’s a wonderful blessing! Sexual expression within marriage needs no “detox”. For young men (and maybe women) who find themselves addicted to porn or whatever tickles their lust of the flesh … have done with sin!

2. You want to speak to young men you say … well let me tell you that some of us here are older men who have struggled all our Christian lives with the temptations of lust, of committing fornication with the eyes and our minds, of abusing our bodies, of misusing the organs meant for sexual pleasure for our wives and ourselves within the marital bed. The locusts have eaten the years which should have been spent with the wife of one’s youth and given them the second best.

3. The sins of the flesh are rampant but well concealed from one another within the church. I sometimes wonder as I hear some great preacher-teacher whether they too are beset with the same sins we’re taking about here. Having preached - do they then go home to secretly view porn somewhere? (Actually I have heard mature Christian business men - one a Christian bookseller admit that they have to work so hard to keep their mind-heart in check when away from their wife - once it was the temptation of a playboy at the newsagent, for another watching porn movies in the hotel whilst they were away…)

4. The devil wants all Christians dead…. he wanted Adam and Eve dead and he many a Christian man, he has made dead (in ministry and marriage and godliness).


If you are a young man (or woman) - this sounds like a “must read” series and may God give us all grace, and may we be men (and women) of conviction to do that which is right. have done with sin! His grace is sufficient!

49. Jennifer
October 27, 2009
1:56 AM

To Annon, please
I am praising the Lord for the work He has done in you and in your life! He is so good and merciful! I loved your words and hope you keep contributing.
To Tim
Thank you so much for putting your eloquence to this difficult subject. We have three boys and a girl and need to hear what you have to say. I will be praying for you as you craft these posts.
God Bless you.

50. J. B. Hood
October 27, 2009
8:52 AM

Tim,

What is the feminist writer who noted the pornification of sex in the men she was with, and where was that article?

Thanks

51. C
October 27, 2009
10:13 AM

I would like to address Daniel. Porn is indeed evil. It work solely to give people sexual (and not at all spiritual) release one-on-one, when sex is designed to be communion.
Calling out think about all the worse things like rape and child abuse and genocide… that is absurd. Absolutely absurd and pardon, but I would hope you try to purge your soul of the devil working through you.This is an important discussion for everyone to hear, and your comments through it seek only to protect the sin everyone struggles against.
What would you say to a woman who has been sexually assaulted and raped, but not killed? “Don’t focus on that, because it has been a lot worse for others?” That is the same as saying porn is not bad when you look at everything else bad in the world. For shame.
And porn and masturbation are not ok. I have been in the mood when he is not, and I wait or relive in my mind memories that belong to the two of us. To tun to another avenue and leave him out of such a beautiful thing, and to create for me a sexual memory that excludes him, would be to cheat on him and on God, and is wrong.

As for sex itself, when everyone was talking on face-to-face etc, I can speak from personal experience on that. There are a myriad of positions and acts, but when each one is a gift that you give to each other, you feel as pure and whole if you face a pillow or are under covers as when you face each other. The sex acts are acts of love, and when you truly love your partner (or man for me, since I’m a woman), any of them feel like gifts. If it didn’t, you would feel dirty whenever an act was pleasuring one or the other of you, and it doesn’t. If you’re the one giving, the act turns you on as well because you know what you give and how much you light him up, and when he gives to you you know its from the heart and it feels that way. I always feel like a beacon at the close of our sessions, and very close to God, and I think that’s the purpose, to honor and fulfill one another in the eyes of God.

I don’t know if you can post this Tim, since I suppose I’m mildly graphic, but I think it’s important to let people know.

A good standard, for me, I remember telling my younger brother when he got his first girlfriend and was struggling with where the line was, I told him to only do what you were comfortable with God knowing you’re doing. God has to be present.

The sexual relationship- God gave it to us, and it should be held in highest esteem and regard, not degraded and perverted by the obscene and base in pornography.

The same act in a willing marriage partnership and in porn would be entirely different, because one is a mutual glorification, and one a degradation.

52. Brian Roden
October 27, 2009
11:43 AM

Some books to recommend:

The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity by Joe Dallas
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Plan-Strategy-Attaining-Integrity/dp/0849906334/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256658066&sr=8-4

At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallagher
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Plan-Strategy-Attaining-Integrity/dp/0849906334/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256658066&sr=8-4

Think Before You Look: 40 Powerful Reasons to Avoid Pornography by Daniel Henderson
http://www.amazon.com/Think-Before-You-Look-Pornography/dp/0899571646/ref=pd_sim_b_1

53. Traylor Lovvorn
October 27, 2009
3:19 PM

Tim-

Thank you for this wonderful post and for addressing the growing epidemic coming at the Church like a tsunami. In my experience, the Church has not talked enough about sex and therefore has created a vacuum that has allowed most of our education about sex to come, as you say, from the pornographers.

The silence of the Church and unwillingness to talk frankly about this subject has robbed many couples of a proper understanding of sex in their relationship. In a series of articles that have come out over the last few months, many Church leaders are even proposing that the solution is to encourage marriage at an earlier age. The sentiment seems to be that if we get kids married earlier then they’ll get to have sex and we won’t have to live with the tension of how to properly address the issue.

I am a recovering sex addict who lost my wife and family after 11 years of marriage because of my addiction. After six years of divorce, God miraculously reconciled my ex wife and I. (Our Story) I facilitate a sexual addiction recovery group and work with many couples and individuals who are living in the pain and brokenness that this epidemic brings.

I look forward to reading your upcoming posts and appreciate you dealing head-on with this all important topic!

Traylor

54. Brad
October 27, 2009
3:33 PM

“Pornography and masturbation can have a role in a healthy marriage. It is very unlikely that you and your spouse will have the same appetite: allowing one of you to have some extra release can reduce the pressure on the other to perform when not in the mood.”

Matthew - can I humbly encourage you to read this article: http://ccef.org/its-all-about-me-problem-masturbation. It really challenged my thinking on the subject, and specifically addresses your scenario.

55. Melanie
October 27, 2009
3:54 PM

Where I live when a man is arrested for picking up a prostitute he is sent to “John School” where he will hear the first hand testimony of former prostitutes that they do not enjoy their trade. It is a BIG, BOLD, LIE to believe that women working in any form of the sex trade are there by choice and because they like it. An overwhelming amount of those women were molested as young girls and have been abused and used their whole lives.
Annie Lobert shares her story on her site (http://www.hookersforjesus.net/anniestestimony.cfm):
“Sex for money is NOT pleasurable, it is NOT fun, us girls DO NOT enjoy it—in fact there were many times I just wanted to hurt the man that was touching me! … I had to be the best actress all of time just to make sure I got paid—men actually thought I enjoyed what I did. How could men think this? It was a flat out LIE! This is SEXUAL ABUSE in its worst form—a jail cell of your mind….Many times I just wanted to die when I went to sleep at night after I worked, I felt so dirty, sleazy—I felt had no way out—because…who would actually RESPECT me or let alone LOVE ME if they found out what I did for a living?”

56. J.P.H.
October 28, 2009
10:52 AM

Melanie- While I’m certainly not going to disagree with you on whether prostitutes “enjoy” the actual act of prostituting themselves, I do think some folks do it “by choice”. I recently read an article about a phenomenon in Hong Kong where high school age girls are prostituting themselves for money to buy clothes, fancy cell phones, etc. If the article is to be believed, they aren’t from the demographic one would normally expect prostitutes to come from. They’re middle class, stable family situation, etc. And not all of them become “career prostitutes”.

After some digging, here’s the article:

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/09/24/hongkong.teenage.prostitution/

57. Daniel Holter
October 28, 2009
2:42 PM

@ C (51.) :

Thanks for your response, but I think it’s safe we say we’ll disagree on just about everything regarding the issue at hand. I’ll respect Tim’s wishes and not further a discussion that will likely run (far) off course from his intended topic.

I’m curious, though, how I might “try to purge [my] soul of the devil working through [me].” If you want to pray for me, feel free… or to offer some advice directly, you can reach me by clicking my name.

58. Tim Challies
October 28, 2009
4:16 PM

While I’m certainly not going to disagree with you on whether prostitutes “enjoy” the actual act of prostituting themselves, I do think some folks do it “by choice”.

There are definitely some of both. I would think that the vast majority are in it through force or through perceived necessity (“I have to feed my kids somehow…” or “I need to earn money to support my habit…”). The percentage who would be in it fully voluntarily would be very small. And even then I suspect many of them would come from backgrounds that, in one way or another, would have nudged them toward it, perhaps through abuse or another factor. Prostitution is just so far from God’s design for women that it takes a remarkable hardening of God-given feminine instincts for a women to give herself to it and to enjoy it.

59. Brian
October 28, 2009
5:51 PM

Tim, can you expand on what you mean when you say

I want to be forthright with you and yet I also want to be discreet; I often think we, as Christians, talk entirely too much about sex and in too much detail.

On the face of it I have an exactly opposite view and would love to know what you’re referring to here.

60. Jake Aharonian
October 29, 2009
1:26 AM

JB—I think you mean the article by Naomi Wolf http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

61. Tim Challies
October 29, 2009
9:00 AM

I want to be forthright with you and yet I also want to be discreet; I often think we, as Christians, talk entirely too much about sex and in too much detail.

Well, maybe the first part isn’t entirely true. Sometimes I think that we talk about it too much these days (e.g. all these sex sermon series being preached in churches today). And I am definitely convinced we often do so in too much detail (and here a series like Driscoll’s on Song of Solomon comes to mind). The Bible is always subtle when it comes to the actual act of sex and I think we do well to follow that example.

62. Sarah R.
October 29, 2009
1:12 PM

In your comment about the feminist writer, you said that feminism gave her no recourse to feelings of being sexually used by men—but this is wrong, and reflects a shallow understanding of feminism.

Feminism provides the greatest recourse of all, which is to give women a voice in their own relationships. If she’s unsatisfied with her relationships, a feminist view would encourage her to speak up and communicate instead of enduring it silently, wondering what’s wrong.

Unfortunately, the writer you used as an example is not a very good example of a feminist, and I hope that your readers don’t come away thinking of feminism as an excuse to throw one’s body around willy-nilly without regard to consequences.

63. Michael
October 29, 2009
1:49 PM

Interesting discussion. Came over from The Point blog. Glad I did. What I find fascinating is that I know everything that’s mentioned here, all the down sides of porn, why we shouldn’t view it, and yet none of that was enough for me to overcome my attraction to it. And I personally didn’t experience many of the down sides to it, except shame and distancing myself from my relationship from God.

Bad enough, I know, but it’s hard to turn away from something you like. I never treated my wife like a porn star. I never got increasingly addicted. It’s not something I HAD to do, it’s something I liked to do. I also never grew increasingly attracted to a wider array of sex. What was disgusting to me 10 or 20 years ago, is still disgusting to me. One down side I should mention is what porn makes a wife feel like when she knows her husband “likes” it. She feels inadequate and betrayed in a way. I never viewed it with her, but she knew. I believe women will always be somewhat insecure in their relationships, but porn doesn’t help.

But I don’t tell all this to say anything talked about here is not legitimate, only that it didn’t work for me. But something did, and I can never view porn the same again. It was so powerful to me that I literally can never “like” porn again. The illusion of consequences free sex, i.e. porn, was torn from me forever.

It was simply something I read at xxx.church.com about women not enjoying making porn movies, which lead me to Shelly Lubben’s Myspace page. She’s an ex-porn star and now she minsters to women who want to get out of “the industry.” You watch some of those videos of ex-porn stars, and watch Shelly’s testimony, and you tell me porn is just a bunch of people having a good time. Porn is abuse of women, pure and simple, and every “actress” is a woman who is dysfunctional in some way. It uses women for male fantasies. Porn is for men, because men want women to be sexually like men, and thus porn has to destroy a woman’s nature to have her act like she enjoys having sex in front of a camera. Even one click supports the abuse of women, and I just can’t do it anymore.

64. Jim Martin
October 30, 2009
11:44 AM

Tim,
A very good and important post. Thanks for taking the time to develop this series. Much damage has come to new marriages because of this issue.

65. Chris Poblete
October 31, 2009
1:44 AM

Tim,

I seriously love this blog. You can bet that I will be sharing this with a lot of dudes my age, and I will surely profit from this series myself.

Thanks again, man!

Sexual Detox II: Breaking Free: Tim Challies

Sexual Detox II: Breaking Free

This is the second entry in a series dealing with sex and, in particular, challenging young men with the notion that their consumption of pornography has so shaped their perception of sex that they need to detox if they are going to be suitable husbands to their wives. In the first part of the series I wrote about Pornifying the Marriage Bed. I had intended to move to a Theology of Sex but based on feedback from yesterday’s article, I wanted to first share what I’ve written today. This is, I suppose, a kind of parenthetical article in the midst of the series.

Breaking Free

When I meet a young man today, I pretty much assume that he is into pornography or at least that at one time he has been. It is sad but true. The sheer accessibility of pornography almost guarantees that every young man will find it; and once it has been tasted, it is difficult not to indulge.

I know that the issue of pornography is spoken about so often in Christian circles that it is in danger of becoming cliche. But it is a reality we cannot avoid or overlook. The purpose of this short series of articles is not to say, “quit porn” as much as it is to say, “look what porn is doing to your heart.” I hope that this message will help you first see that you do need to quit looking at porn and, second (and even if you’ve already broken free) that you need to find a new way of looking at sex. Just quitting, while it is the right thing to do, is not enough. You need to replace the lies with truth.

I would not want to get through this series without first distilling one of the great lies about pornography and then pleading with guys to find freedom from the clutches of pornography.

Marriage Will Make it Go Away!
I’ve spoken to young men who feel that the answer to their reliance on pornography and their addiction to masturbation is marriage. “If I just get married, I can have legitimate sex and all of this sin will just go away.”

This may seem a logical assumption but it is tragically flawed. It assumes a measure of equality between illegitimate, selfish sex and legitimate sex within marriage. It assumes that the bad can simply be replaced with the good like there is a 1 to 1 relationship between the two. Give the guy a legitimate outlet for his desires and he will no longer desire the illegitimate, right? Legions of men and their hurting wives will testify that it does not work this way at all.

Pornography and sex within marriage are completely different things.. Yes, when you marry you may find that at the beginning you are well satisfied with your wife and find fulfillment in sex with her. But sin may still be lying dormant. If the sin has never been dealt with, it is likely to come back—to make a reappearance. It may be weeks or months or even years. But sooner or later, if that sin has never been repented of, never been put to death, it will rear its ugly head once more. Perhaps it will be at a time when your wife travels for a few days or when you travel out-of-town and find yourself alone in a hotel room in a strange city. Perhaps it will be after the birth of your first baby when there is that waiting time where for several weeks or a couple of months you cannot have sex. But it is very likely that the sin will come back to haunt you and to hurt both you and your wife.

You need to put sin to death! You cannot simply mask over it, cover it up, and believe that this is the same as actually dealing with it. It’s like those people you hear about who murder someone and then stuff the body into a wall or put it in a box in the basement. Who is dumb enough to think that this will actually work? The body is going to start to stink and sooner or later everyone will become aware that something is dead and rotting. It is like this with sin. You can box it up in favor of something legitimate, you can put the box in the basement and throw a blanket over it, but sooner or later that box and the death it contains is going to stink. You won’t fool anyone in the end, least of all the One who sees to the depths of the heart. “Sheol and Abaddon lie open before the Lord; how much more the hearts of the children of man” (Proverbs 15:11). Do not ignore your sin!

Deal With It!

If you want to be a good and godly husband or a good and godly future husband, if you want to be able to treat your wife or your future wife the way she deserves to be treated, you need to stop looking at pornography right now. As in, this instant. Today. And then you need to reshape your understanding of sex, replacing the distortions with pure truth. “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming” (Colossians 3:5,6).

But you already know that you need to stop. There aren’t too many Christian men out there who are looking at pornography and who don’t know that they need to quit. The problem isn’t with knowledge—it’s with desire and ability. Every Christian guy who looks at porn wants to stop, but many of them want to stop just a little bit less than they want to keep going. And so sin prevails. The only way you will stop is if you begin to see the monstrous nature of the sin you are committing. You will only stop if the sin is more horrifying to you than the perceived goodness of the enjoyment of that sin. You will need to hate that sin before you can find freedom from it. Obviously pornography is a sin that is first and foremost a sin against God. God hates pornography as he hates any distortion of his good gifts. You know this already and have been told so innumerable times. In this series I am trying to show you some of the secondary effects of pornography and, most notably, the fact that pornography reshapes your very understanding of sex, of manhood, of womanhood. I want you to hate and fear this as you ought to hate and fear the sin itself. I want you to know that you cannot be a loving husband, an effective husband, a godly man as long as your mind is filled with the lies of pornography. You need to break free and you need to detox.

God is infinitely more willing to deal with your sin than you are to commit your sin. You may love this sin and be committed to it, but if you are a Christian, God is more willing than you are to overcome it and destroy it. He will grant grace for you to put sin to death. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9).

Breaking Free
Time and expertise would fail me to outline a plan for defeating pornography. You can find all kinds of good information online. Just on the main page of two favorite sites I found Breaking the Porn Addiction (at Boundless) and Breaking Pornography Addiction (at CCEF). But, as good as those resources may be, I would not recommend starting at either one of them. If you truly want to overcome pornography, go to your pastor. There is not a pastor in America who is not helping someone deal with the fight against pornography (says I with only a small measure of hyperbole). Take your willingness to talk to somebody about your problem as a sign that you are actually, finally, willing to deal with it. The local church is the ideal context for battling this kind of sin since in the local church you will find the authority and the support to help you fight and, ultimately, to help you win. If you want to overcome pornography, truly overcome it, you will be willing to humble yourself and talk to someone about it. Though God may occasionally suddenly just remove a person’s desire to look at pornography, it is much more likely that it will be a long and difficult process of seeing just how deep inside this sin has gone and slowly drawing out the infection.

Now I know there are some people who do not have this kind of access to their pastors—the kind that can say, “I need help!” If that is the case, find a trusted, mature, Christian man (make sure he meets all four of those qualifiers) to whom you can talk. Do not talk to your eighteen year-old buddy and agree to some sort of accountability. That is not likely to work. Go to a Christian man whom you love and respect and tell him what you are dealing with. It will be humbling and humiliating in all the right ways. But I pretty much guarantee that he will empathize with you and will be both willing and eager to help you fight and vanquish this sin.

Starting the Detox
As I said in the previous article, pornography, like any other sin, comes with a kind of cascade effect. If you have been looking at porn for any length of time, I am certain that you can identify with this. You will know that the things that interested you at the beginning, that got you going, now seem pretty bland. And the things that were once repulsive are already beginning to intrigue you. This is the way sin is. This is the way sin always is. It will always demand more of you. And meanwhile, while you’ve been certain that you’ve been controlling your sin, it has been controlling you. It has reshaped your mind and your heart in certain ways, and has even shaped your understanding of your own wife or wife-to-be! You are looking at your wife through the eyes of a pornographer! Would you want Hugh Hefner staring at your wife’s body? And yet there you are looking at her through his eyes—through the eyes he and others like him have given you through your consumption of their pornography.

What you need to do is to borrow God’s eyes and to look at your wife through that lens, through that filter. You need to replace lies with truth. And God has given you the Bible so you can do just that. Through the Bible we are able to borrow God’s eyes and to see the world as he sees it. And so in the next article in this series we will form a Theology of Sex, seeking to understand the purpose of sex, of purpose of sexual desire and even the purpose of unequal sexual desire.

As I said yesterday, if you have questions or concerns you would like me to address in this series, feel free to use the contact form. Using that form you can get in touch with me anonymously if you like. I have already received some very useful (and sometimes heartbreaking) emails that are really beginning to shape the future articles.


Source:
Sexual Detox II: Breaking Free




1. Dan
October 27, 2009
10:15 AM

I’m so glad that you suggested going to a pastor or trusted male friend instead of websites first. It is vital, in order to break a secret habit, to get out of isolation. I can remain as selfish and addicted as I want when all I’m doing is looking for help from a website, but it is humbling, and more effective, to talk to a real human being about my sin and desire to turn from it.

Also, since the addiction was formed and fed on the internet, my first source of hope and help should not be from the same location. You don’t meet a guy in a bar to talk about accountability with your drinking. Same goes for porn.

2. Tim Irvin
October 27, 2009
10:30 AM

Here is a good place to start: LINK

3. matt
October 27, 2009
10:32 AM

Wow.

Tim, thanks for writing this out. Definately stuff that I benefitted from as a married man, and have already passed on to several unmarried younger men I mentor.

I unfortunately half-grew up in the Internet-era (household Internet came about in my late highschool years).

That said, the ability to remain pure (both in marriage and prior) is getting more difficult every year.

Praise the Lord for the awareness and leadership of individuals that do not stand by and watch sin and temptation run rampant through our society without contention!

4. Kaylene
October 27, 2009
10:49 AM

“God is infinitely more willing to deal with your sin than you are to commit your sin.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks. It applies to so much more than the struggle with porn. Thank you.

5. Terry
October 27, 2009
10:50 AM

I agree with the comments as well as with the article itself. The more light you shine on your sin easier it is to beat it. You can shine light on it by telling your trust worthy friends and walking that much closer to God.

6. Jen
October 27, 2009
12:10 PM

I missed what you wrote yesterday, Tim, but plan to go back and read it. Every man or woman involved in pornography should know that God does give us hope and a way out. I, as a young girl, had pornography shown to me without my parents knowing. It was somewhat easily available to children of my generation even before the internet. So my young life had plenty of exposure to the sin of pornography long before I met my husband. Thank God I wasn’t drawn into it like so many young people are.

Two years ago I borrowed my husbands computer and stumbled on evidence of him looking at porn. I was broken to say the least. We had been married for 9 years, had 3 children and were very happy as far as I knew.

I immediately confronted him with what I found. After and entire night of crying we began a new part of our marriage. I found out that this was something my husband had been doing since he was 11 years old. He had tried over and over to stop. He had never wanted my to find out. He did believe back at 22 years old when we got married that he would quit then. The grip of this sin was too much and returned to it over and over. I found the hardest part being that I thought he was a different man than he really was.

My husband went through a free online program called Setting Captives Free. I believe God used it to help set him free from this sin. God has been good to show me my own sin, as I work through the pain of my husband’s sin. It already feels like a lifetime ago that this happened but still feels like yesterday at times when I give into the thoughts that creep in to steal my love for my husband and family.

As we have matured spiritually through this our marriage has grown stronger. I feel so blessed to be married to my husband. I grieve over the years the locust have eaten but I would not change it all for what he has done to draw me closer to him. I now have a husband who I can say loves the Lord with all his heart. He is a changed man in so many way.

Thank you for addressing this subject.


7. msatty
October 27, 2009
12:53 PM

The primary thing that young men fail to understand about the myth of their porn addiction going away once their married is the way sex works with an actual, living, breathing woman. She must be loved and sacrificed for and cared for and given attention long before the sex act is engaged. Porn and masturbation set a pattern of instant gratification for the man that requires little to no effort, especially emotionally. So the idea that those sin issues will disappear in marriage is naive at best. In fact, marriage can bring them to the surface in a frustrating way because suddenly the man who was isolated in his sexual sin has to deal with a mate who won’t let things simply continue as they have been.

8. Cindy
October 27, 2009
2:18 PM

Tim,

I agree that in person accountability is the way to go. However, I can also attest to the helpfulness of setting captives free. Their website is: http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/
It is free. They have some accountability and they rely totally on the Word to help people break free from various habitual sins.

9. Fillip
October 27, 2009
3:43 PM

Way to take on this thing with both barrels Tim. Pornography is a beast. Sometimes when young people find out that so many others struggle with it, they almost feel a since of relief, and that maybe it’s not that bad, because so many others struggle with it But you are not taking the “You’re not alone in your struggle” approach, and I find that refreshing.

10. donsands
October 27, 2009
3:57 PM

Fornication is a powerful thing. Paul says to flee. And only by God’s Spirit, and His grace are we able to do so.

If someone says, they have no problem with fornication, nor with porn, then look out. Any husband could committ adultery. We need a lot of help from the Lord in our day. The internet has so many snares and traps set.
But through God’s great grace, and His Church, through faith, we can fight the good fight.

Thanks for the good post.

11. Michael W.
October 27, 2009
5:20 PM

Thanks Tim. I absolutely agree with the importance of finding a mature, godly man to be held accountable with. I couldn’t stress enough how God used that relationship to send me on the road of breaking the power of this sin. It was the most humiliating and rewarding time of my spiritual life, and I continually praise God for that. If you’re struggling with pornography—even a lustful mind—I strongly encourage you to seek godly counsel from a man that will crack open a bible with you about this serious sin. Humiliating, yes. Intimidating, yes. But the growth I received from it (by God’s grace) far exceeded the humiliation. It was priceless and wonderful.

12. Polarbear
October 27, 2009
5:33 PM

This is fantastic stuff this week. If every Christian man in America would take this seriously, it would impact their marriages and non-believers around in ways that we cannot imagine. Thank you!!!

13. L
October 27, 2009
8:31 PM

Tim, this is some of the best stuff I’ve ever read on your blog, brother.

I can attest (as a woman!) to the terror of confessing the sin of porn and masturbation to an accountability partner. Shoot. I was actually shaking when I went to open the door the day I sat down with a dear sister and spilled my guts to her about it. But I can also attest (praise God!) to the freedom and joy that came from having someone else just know, and be willing to walk through that stuff with me. Bringing all that out of the dark recesses is essential. We’re not meant to combat sin alone.

I wonder, too, how many men and women who compulsively view porn would be willing to stop if they found out that, for those involved in making porn, drug addiction, suicide, and accidental overdoses are considered normal occupational hazards — not to mention the almost-inevitable STDs? Or that between 2/3 and 3/4 of women in the porn industry were sexually abused, molested, or raped before they got into the “business”? Kinda makes it less sexy when you realize that, in all likelihood, the woman on the screen has to get high before every scene so she can suppress her memories of sexual abuse, doesn’t it?

14. Joe
October 27, 2009
9:11 PM

Thanks for taking this on. I hope you address the issue of masturbation as that usually comes first before pornography and is always related. I struggled with both for many years and was not able to achieve victory until I understood that masturbation (by oneself) is sin, just like pornography.

15. melissa
October 27, 2009
11:04 PM

@ Jen

when I give into the thoughts that creep in to steal my love for my husband and family.

This is where I struggle so many times…thank you for putting it into clear words: I am allowing my thoughts to steal my love for my husband when I do not think on the things spoken of in Phillipians…

16. A
October 28, 2009
12:05 AM

Thanks for the women who have expressed similar battles. I didn’t know it existed so much in the stronger gender…

17. Brian
October 28, 2009
2:08 AM

Tim, Great stuff. I struggled for years with various addictions and found excellent help at Setting Captives Free http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. An excellent bible based course with mentors and accountability.

18. Jason Stephens
October 28, 2009
2:22 AM

Tim thanks so much for these great postings! suggestion: make these articles into a small book or something?

Grace and peace in Christ!

19. J
October 28, 2009
6:12 AM

Thank you for addressing this topic in such a helpful manner. I plan to save these articles and share them with our son. It would be great to have them published in booklet form.

20. Tim Challies
October 28, 2009
7:56 AM

It would be great to have them published in booklet form.

Tim thanks so much for these great postings! suggestion: make these articles into a small book or something?

I will seek to do that once the series is complete. Thanks for the suggestion.

21. anonymous
October 28, 2009
9:15 AM

Tim,

Please do seek to publish this in book form. Your words are so refreshingly truthful. Thank you for being SO honest and seeking to expose what pornography can do in a marriage. I have heard so many guys talk about how they are justified in their habit and how its “okay”. These men are all struggling with issues in their marriages and cannot see the link. I struggled for a long time to find the word to describe why I felt “used” even in legitimate sex with my husband when things would happen in a certain way. Thinking about my husband viewing our sex life through the lense of pornography rather than scripture makes so much sense to why that would be.

Might I encourage all the wives and future wives out there to join together in a mighty prayer for our men within the church and for our sons even if they are not of age yet. God answers prayer and I believe that with even a few words from an open honest heart can start a wave throughout the church of this sin being repented from and dealt with. He will heal our land!!!

22. A.J.
October 28, 2009
11:42 AM

http://www.covenanteyes.com/


It works wonders when you have no choice.

God Bless

23. Anonymous
October 28, 2009
2:34 PM

This is perhaps the best literature I’ve read on this issue, and I’ve read a lot. From books like “Not Even a Hint” (now titled: “Sex Is Not the Problem, Lust Is”) and “The Purity Principle” to online resources like Driscoll’s “Porn-Again Christian” and the “Setting Captives Free” materials mentioned above.

None of those things were able to break me free from pornography. These truths (which Challies also captured in this article) were things God taught me that ultimately freed me:
1. “If you want to overcome pornography, truly overcome it, you will be willing to humble yourself and talk to someone about it.”
2. “You will only stop if the sin is more horrifying to you than the perceived goodness of the enjoyment of that sin.”
3. “God is infinitely more willing to deal with your sin than you are to commit your sin.”

Thanks Tim, for writing this.

Sexual Detox III: A Theology of Sex: Tim Challies

Sexual Detox III: A Theology of Sex

This is the third article in a series targeted specifically at young men but applying, I am learning, to all of us. So far I have written about Pornifying the Marriage Bed and about Breaking Free.Sexual Detox 2

What did God create first: hunger or food? Did God make man hungry and then invent food to fill the need? Or did God first invent food and then give man an appetite which would motivate him, drive him, to pursue that good gift? Where you or I might invent a need before the ability to meet it, God sees the end before the beginning. He creates good gifts and only then does he create a need for them; he does not create a need for which there is no fulfillment. My topic today is sex and I want to offer a brief theology of sex and of sexual desire. I want to help you see why God created sex, why he created sexual desire, and why he has given sexual desire in unequal measure.

Sex
God gives us sex because it has unique power in drawing a husband to his wife and a wife to her husband. He knows this because he is the one who invented it! He made it so that it is far more than the sum of its parts. We could describe sex in terms of body parts and hormones, but we would not be any closer to understanding it than if we were to describe a cake only in terms of its ingredients—flour and milk and eggs (or if we were to describe the Lord’s Supper making reference only to eating bread and drinking wine). Sex goes far beyond merely the physical and instead extends to the emotional, the spiritual. It is through sexual union that two are made one, that they are bound together; there is a mystery to it that can only really be compared in impact to the union of God’s people to God as they are grafted into him.

God gave us something remarkably powerful and was wise to place strict boundaries on it. He has every right to do so because he is the one who has created sex and who has given it its function. Sex, then, is to be shared only between a husband and a wife, and cannot be extended to others either before marriage or during marriage (Matthew 5:27,28). Sex must not be stirred up or awakened until the time is right (Song of Solomon 8:4). Sex is to be practiced regularly throughout a marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). Such boundaries are not intended to inhibit freedom but to enhance freedom. When we use the gift as God intends it, we gain great joy and freedom in it. When we abuse the gift, we ultimately suffer for such abuse.

The purpose of sex, then, is to provide a unique means through which a husband and wife can know one another, serve one another, express vulnerability before one another, give and receive. No other area in marriage offers so much to gain and so much to lose. No other area in marriage so closely grafts the couple together. And no message could be further from what is shown in pornography!

Many theologians have attempted to get at the deepest meaning of sex. “Sex is a picture, a metaphor, to point us to the joys of heaven,” they might say. And perhaps this is so. But I don’t find that the Bible tells us this clearly. Neither am I convinced that we need to find some deeper meaning in sex in order to affirm its goodness. Sex is inherently good because it was created by a good God. We do not need to construct a complex theology around it as if it is only good in some kind of secondary sense. It is perfectly good in and of itself. Even if its ultimate meaning is no deeper than pleasure and mutual fulfillment, it is good because God is good. He could easily have decreed that sex be an integral part of every marriage and then made it inherently unpleasurable. He did not. Instead he made sex almost transcendent in its pleasure. At its best, sex really transcends most of life’s other pleasures in its uniqueness, in its joy, in its freedom and vulnerability. And in these things, sex draws a husband and wife together in a completely unique and unparalleled way.

When you understand this you must also understand why sex is meant to be enjoyed only between a husband and wife. You understand why God forbids pre-marital sex (fornication), why he forbids extra-marital sex (adultery) and why he even forbids selfish sex (masturbation). All these things make a mockery of the real thing. All these things abuse his good gift.

Desire
Along with sex, God created sexual desire. As a young man I, like so many others, battled with the inability to express my awakening sexual desire and even remember crying out to God to ask why he would give it to me. So often sexual desire is a heavy burden. The answer to my questions came only later.

There are some who say that sexual desire is meant only to motivate procreation—that the desire to have sex will draw a husband and wife together with the happy and ultimate result of conception. Here C.S. Lewis applies a helpful corrective (in Mere Christianity). He affirms that the biological purpose of sex is procreation (and let’s not lose sight of this important purpose to sex) but draws a helpful parallel to the appetite for food. The biological purpose of eating is to repair the body and though some people are given to overindulgence, we find that the appetite goes only a little way beyond its biological purpose. A man may eat twice as much food as his body needs for its biological purpose, but few will eat even that much. When it comes to sex, though, the appetite far exceeds its biological purpose. If the sexual appetite matched its biological function either a person would only desire sex a few times in a lifetime or he would have thousands of children. Does this not teach us that God desires that we have sex for reasons beyond procreation? The only other alternative is that this appetite is a product of sin and ought to be suppressed. But no, this cannot be. The Bible is clear that legitimate sexual desire, desire within a marriage and a desire for one’s spouse, is legitimate before God.

God gives a man sexual desire, a sexual appetite, because he wants him to have sex with his wife. Can’t it be just that simple? And what’s more, he gives him a strong appetite that surpasses any kind of biological purpose because he wants the couple to have sex a lot. After all, the only admonition in Scripture regarding the frequency of married sex is to permit a brief pause with a defined end and even then only for the specific reason of dedicating time to prayer (see again 1 Corinthians 7) and still even then only if it is mutually agreed upon. In fact, the Bible goes so far as to say that a wife’s body belongs to her husband—that he has authority over her body—and a husband’s body belongs to his wife—she has authority over his body. The ruling principle is that husbands and wives are to have sex often and not to refuse one another this special gift.

Sex is such an integral part of the relationship of husband to wife and wife to husband that God has given the desire to participate in it, to enjoy it. This sexual desire motivates a man to pursue a wife and to marry her so together they can enjoy sex. This desire motivates a man to keep pursuing his wife even after they are married. Without this desire, this appetite, it would be far easier for us to avoid carrying out our God-given duty to have sex (and lots of it) and through it to experience intimacy and unity (and lots of it). So God gives the desire that is meant to be fulfilled in only that way. If we did not experience pangs of hunger we might not eat. If we stopped eating, our bodies would stop repairing themselves and we would die. If we did not experience sexual desire we might not have sex. And if we stopped having sex, our marriages would suffer and die. Sexual desire, then, is a gift of God given not to torment but to motivate obedience. When a young man inevitably feels sexual desire it is not an invitation to pornography and masturbation, but a nudge toward marriage.

Unequal Desire
Yet sexual desire, the appetite for sex, is not given in equal measure. It is typically given in greater part to men. Why is this? The answer, I’m convinced, goes right to the heart of the husband-wife relationship. God commands that men, husbands, be leaders. Men are to take the leading role while women are to follow. God intends that men take leadership even in sex and, therefore, he gives to men a greater desire for it. This way men can lead their wives, taking the initiative, taking care to love their wives in such a way that they wish to have sex with their husbands. Generally speaking, a man finds intimacy and acceptance through sex while a woman needs to first experience intimacy and acceptance before she can be prepared to enjoy sex. And so God gives the man a sexual appetite so he can in turn provide for his wife’s needs before she provides for his. His sexual appetite cannot be separated from his leadership. If the woman were to lead in this regard, if she were to always be the sexual instigator, the husband would be far less likely to pursue his wife and seek to meet her unique needs. Do you see the beautiful dance here? The husband has a desire that only his wife can meet, a desire for his wife; therefore, he takes the lead in seeking to fulfill that desire. He does this by meeting the desires of his wife that will, in turn, cause her to see and appreciate and eventually fulfill his desires. And then, in that act of consummation, God grants a grace that surpasses the mere union of flesh and blood.

As the husband leads, the wife is called by God to submit to her husband’s leadership even in the marriage bed. As in other areas of life, she is called to defy leadership only if her husband demands of her something that would violate her conscience or God’s law. We can see this as a responsibility of the wife but we must also see it as a particular responsibility of the husband. He is to lead in such a way that his wife will have no reason to refuse him. He must be sensitive to her needs, to her desires. He must acknowledge the times where, for one reason or another, she would find it exceedingly difficult to give herself to him and must keep from cajoling her into acts that would make her uncomfortable or leave her feeling violated. He needs to exemplify leadership as a servant even here in the bedroom. His first thoughts must be for her. A husband may tend towards being either a bully or a push-over in the bedroom—to abuse leadership by domination or abdication. He must do neither.

If Adam and Eve enjoyed sex before their fall into sin (I’m under the impression that the Fall happened soon after Creation but that there was some time between the two events; therefore, they must have enjoyed perfect sex for a while.) there must not have been an occasion where Eve refused Adam because there was never a time when he was not thinking first of her. What reason would she have to refuse? But after they sinned, when Adam stopped thinking first of Eve and when she began to rebel against his leadership, this is when sex became a struggle. And it remains a struggle today. I know that most husbands and wives will testify that they have had more fights and arguments about sex than about anything else. The most special means of grace to a husband and wife has become the greatest cause of strife. And this is exactly as Satan intends it. Satan hates any kind of pleasure but will still use it for his ends. His plan is that people should have as much sex outside of the marriage relationship and as little within the marriage relationship as is possible. His plan is to mask, to hide, the true purpose of sex behind the pleasure it brings simply as a physical act. It is a clever plan and one that has been proven effective time and time again.

Do you see how pornography distorts all of this? Pornography makes a mockery of the purposes of sex, sexual desire and unequal sexual desire. Where God says the purpose of sex is to build unity between a husband and a wife, pornography says it is about fulfilling any perceived need with any partner, willing or unwilling. Where sexual desire is good, given to cause a husband to pursue his wife (and a wife her husband) pornography says it cannot and should not be controlled. All of the messages of pornography go directly against God’s purposes.

We may not understand exactly what sex does within a marriage, but we can trust that God has his reasons for inventing it and commanding it. Sex is a call for a husband to pursue his wife and to lead her, as a servant, into a deeper understanding and appreciation of this gift. It is a call for a wife to serve her husband, trusting him and trusting that God’s gifts, when used as he intends them, always bring good.

OK, so to this point in the series I’ve challenged young men to see that their whole perception of sex may be tainted by their use of pornography and now I’ve attempted to give just a glimpse of God’s purpose for sex. Tomorrow I will talk about “normal” sex. In the meantime, do feel free to continue contacting me if you have questions or concerns you’d like me to address. You are free to contact me anonymously.


Source:
Sexual Detox III: A Theology of Sex

Sexual Detox IV: Detoxification: Tim Challies

Sexual Detox IV: Detoxification

This is now the fourth entry in a series of articles about sex and, in particular, about sexual detoxification—about replacing lies with truth. First I wrote about Pornifying the Marriage Bed, then about Breaking Free and finally about A Theology of Sex. Today the series continues with Detoxification.

Sexual Detox

The purpose of this series of articles is to lead young men through a kind of sexual detox. The messages about sex taught in society and especially in pornography have left a whole generation of men with false views of the meaning, purpose and act of sex. In the last article we attempted to piece together a bit of a theology of sex, showing why God gave us sex, why he gave us sexual desire and why he gave sexual desire in unequal measure to men and women. Now that we have seen what sex is, let’s see what sex is not and then begin to show you can love your spouse through the act of sex. Now that we understand the meaning and purpose of sex, we are left asking, how does a husband express his love for his wife in the bedroom? This is where we will get to what I know you probably really want or need to know—what should I do and what should I not do in bed?

First, though, let’s pause briefly to look at the negative side of sex to see what sex is not.

Sex Is Not…
Sex is not ultimate. You might not know this from society and certainly not from pornography, but sex is not the ultimate thing. Sex is a good and great gift of God, but it is not an ultimate thing. Within marriage and without there is a tendency to make sex into more than it is, to allow it to be a kind of idol. Our idols are always good things to which we give too much importance. Sex is just that kind of good thing that can be made into too big a thing. A good gift of God can begin to supersede the God who gave it. Few things in life lend themselves to idolatry with greater frequency, with greater power, than sex.

Sex is not to be trifled with. Sex is too powerful to be trifled with. It is near-impossible for a person to trifle with sex and not get drawn into it in a more complete way. It is just too powerful, too captivating. A boyfriend and girlfriend who begin to have sex will very rarely be able to stop, even if they really do want to. A boy who begins masturbating will rarely be able to just quit. As you probably know, a person who begins looking at pornography will soon want to find more and more of it. Of course this is part of the design of sex—God means for it to be alluring and desirable and almost irresistible. But outside of its proper context it is captivating, leading to imprisonment to sin. So sex must not be trifled with. It must be avoided entirely outside of its proper context and then fully embraced within marriage. There is no room for anything more or anything less.

Sex is not primarily about you. Wives may well testify that they have a better understanding of this concept than do their husbands. Yet even then, sex is not ultimately about your spouse. Sex is about God. While a husband may be motivated by desire to pursue his wife and have sex with her, he should be motivated ultimately by an obedience to God’s command that a husband and wife enjoy sex frequently. While a wife may be motivated by a desire to please her husband or to avoid a fight, her primary or ultimate motivation should be obedience to God. Even if you have no desire to have sex, have sex for your spouse’s sake. Even if neither you nor your spouse have a desire to have sex, have sex for God’s sake out of obedience to him.

The Problem With Focusing on Acts
I’ve been saying that pornography has given you wrong ideas about sex and you’re wondering exactly what that means. So here is the big question: what is normal sex? How do normal people normally express normal sexuality? That is the kind of question you might be tempted to ask, but it is probably the wrong question. Normal is a moving target, one that may move from couple to couple, culture to culture, time to time. The better question is this: what is God’s design for sex? This is the broad question that will lead us to an answer that may even include particular acts and exclude others. Yet I would not wish to get too hung up on particular sex acts as it might serve to distract more than it would help. And I hope that this question can take us back through the past three articles, constructing that theology of sexuality. If you have not yet read those articles, this would be a good time to pause and to do so.

The principle we as humans always want to ask is “how far can we go?” But the better, more biblical question when it comes to sex is “what pleases her?” Of course even this good question must be asked with an awareness that there are things that God expressly forbids and others that he expressly commands. There are firm boundaries. Sex is to be only and ever between a husband and wife. To introduce anyone else into the relationship, whether physically or only graphically as in through shared pornography, is a perversion of the one-to-one nature of sexuality. Sex is to be done in love, not in anger (which means that a man can rape his own wife if he violently forces himself upon her. What a violation of sex this is!) Sex, as with everything else in life, is to be done with self-control, not with a reckless lack of self-control.

Within these God-given boundaries, given for our good, there is tremendous freedom. It is a freedom to explore, to discover, to play, to say “yes” or “no” or “never again.” But it is a freedom that may need to be sanctified, to be made holy, especially for those who have had their understanding of sex shaped by pornography. The things that supposedly arouse porn stars are very likely not the things that will arouse your wife or that will make her feel loved and treasured instead of demeaned in your lovemaking. Why? Because the things you have seen in pornography are things that are created to incite lust in those who are already hardened against what is good and pure. They are acts designed to arouse the hardened heart, not the tender heart (I italicize that because I want you to get it, to think about it.). Do you understand what I am saying here? Most of the stuff you see on the screen when watching pornography is not stuff you should ever try to do or to inflict upon your wife. Magazines and advice web sites (both Christian and non-) are full of questions about what constitutes normal sexual behavior. When I see the questions people are asking, it is not difficult to know which people have been looking at pornography. The questions they ask are essentially “Is it okay if my wife and I play out this pornographic act?”

Sex is tender. Do you see tenderness in pornography or do you see violence? Sex is sweet. Do you see sweetness in the pornography you watch or is it degrading? Sex is selfless and giving. But isn’t pornography all about the getting and about the conquest? Is it not about having my needs met now? Sex has boundaries. But doesn’t pornography suppose that anything I feel or anything I desire is acceptable simply because I desire it? Pornography scoffs at boundaries.

But Can’t I…?
If I were to give you a list of do’s and don’ts, this would be the place to do so. I could draw up a long checklist with checks in some boxes and x’s in others. “Yes you can do that, yes you can do that, no you can’t do that.” In some ways I think it would be helpful but, at the same time, it would undoubtedly reflect my conscience, my strengths, my weaknesses. It would unavoidably be legalistic in some ways and licentious in others. What one couple finds blissfully enjoyable may be repulsive for another. One person’s freedom is another person’s captivity. That is one of the strange realities of the way God has made us—he has made us different and has even given us different consciences. So there is great freedom within marriage to explore, to try new things and to enjoy things that are mutually pleasurable.

Instead of that long but ultimately disappointing and useless checklist, let me offer the following guidelines and leave you to fill it in as you see fit. Here are some useful questions to ask.

What is your heart in this? Any act we take, whether in the bedroom or anywhere else, is motivated by the heart. So there is more value in asking, “what is in my heart that I want to do this?” than “is this particular act wrong?” Jesus taught his disciples that it is what comes from within, not external things, that defile a man (Mark 7). All evil things, whether adultery or covetousness or sexual immorality, come from within. So you need to have a tender heart and be willing to look into your heart to seek out your motives. Do only those things that are motivated by a love for your spouse. Avoid things that are motivated by any kind of sin.

Is this the act of a conquerer or of a servant? You know full well that many of the acts within pornography are acts of conquest, not acts of love and service. You know that in pornography the pleasure of the man is generally far greater and far more genuine than that of the woman. Do not subject your wife to acts that would make her feel like the mere means to an end, that would make her feel like she has been conquered instead of loved and nurtured, like she has been defiled instead of treasured.

Does this bring pleasure to one or to both? One of the purposes of sex is to bring mutual pleasure. At its best, sex allows both spouses to give and receive at the same time and through the same acts. It is unique in that way, and uniquely powerful and fulfilling. There may be times when there is some inequity in the giving and receiving of pleasure, but always each spouse should be seeking greater pleasure for the other, not for him or herself. Do not always pleasure yourself at the expense of your spouse; never commit acts which are pleasurable to one and distasteful to the other.

Does this trouble your conscience or your spouse’s conscience? The conscience is a special gift of God and one that he commands us to heed (Titus 1:15). Where God gives us all the same law through his Word, he gives each of us a conscience that is all our own. We are required to heed this conscience and not to violate it. Do not violate your conscience with regards to certain acts and do not cajole your spouse into violating her’s.

Can you thank God for this? It is difficult to thank God for things that we have done in violation of law or conscience. When considering particular acts, it is worth considering whether you would be able to thank God for them. Do nothing for which you could not thank God.

In many cases these guidelines may be disappointing as they convict you that certain porn-fueled fantasies may have to go unfulfilled. You will find that there are things you have seen on the screen that you’ve been wanting to try out, but that these things would violate some of those guidelines. Some of what is normal in pornography is forbidden by God and is a sin against him and a sin against your spouse. But if you trust God you will know that he will give grace not only to get over it—actually, to get over yourself—but also to find greater pleasure in greater, purer things. Scores of committed couples will tell you that they have found great and growing pleasure in years and decades of what according to pornography would be very boring sex. The years of sex with one another have proven far more interesting, far more alluring, far more satisfying than any pleasure they found in running wild. Do you trust God that this can be the case for you and for your bride?

I will attempt to wrap up this series tomorrow. As I’ve said at the end of each of these articles, you are free to contact me (even anonymously) if there is something you would like to add, a question you think I should address, and so on. Already many people have done so and their questions and concerns have helped shape these articles.



Source:
Sexual Detox IV: Detoxification



Comments (16) »

1. Tom Gee
October 29, 2009
11:44 AM

What an excellent series, Tim! Well done!

You really need to put this together as a booklet once your series is complete!

2. Dave Dunbar
October 29, 2009
2:18 PM

Well put and most helpful.

One additional question that could be asked is Is this a normal and God-designed use of the various parts of the body? Our different members have different purposes. Some of them may have more than one purpose. For instance, the lips may be used to speak loving things, and may also be used to kiss. Even as different Christians have differing tasks in the church (1 Cor. 12), the differing parts of our physical structure have differing purposes. And while various couples may have differing levels of freedom within that principle, it is right to ask this question when deciding what is and isn’t a normal or right activity.

I agree with the previous comment — Tim, you need to publish this as a booklet when you’re done!

3. Sam
October 29, 2009
2:32 PM

Brother Tim thank you so much for this series! I do hope that you continue to touch on this subject in the months and years to come. I was addicted to pornography and self-pleasuring for 6 years (I’m currently 17), while today I can stand and say I am free, my mind and heart have been corupted by what the sin did to me.

I have greatly benifited from this series and am praying that God will continue to use it to to mold and shape me into a man of God. I must ask that you give more advice, wisdom, and God’s word in weeks and months to come on this subject. Ecspecially to the one who is ‘free’ (yet prone to fall if not for God’s grace and power) and is seeking to remain pure for God (and perhaps a future wife).

I thank you again brother TIm! I will be in prayer for you!

Fight the good fight of faith!

Samuel

4. Tim Challies
October 29, 2009
2:57 PM

One additional question that could be asked is Is this a normal and God-designed use of the various parts of the body?

I considered that question as one that would be helpful. And I think it would be. However, for various reasons that I won’t discuss, I opted not to. Still, it may well be a good one to ask.

5. Anonimous
October 29, 2009
3:26 PM

Tim:
¿What about of a married man that is far from his home, for example, and masturbate, thinking or talking with her wife and with her consent, for avoid some real temptation?

6. Tim Challies
October 29, 2009
3:30 PM

¿What about of a married man that is far from his home, for example, and masturbate, thinking or talking with her wife and with her consent, for avoid some real temptation?

As I said in the article, I think there is more to lose than to gain in discussing particular acts. But let me say how I’d think this one through. I’m honestly not sure what to say for that one. In my mind it would be somewhere between “no” and “if your conscience allows you.” I could see arguments in both directions. I guess I would probably say that if a husband and wife agree to it in clear conscience it doesn’t directly violate any biblical commands. But I do think it might be getting into dangerous territory in terms of separating the physical act of sex from the presence and body of the spouse. I’d be open to correction here and would want to think about it a lot if I was faced with the situation.

7. Matthew Robbins
October 29, 2009
4:05 PM

Tim,

This is such an important series, and I wanted to thank you for undertaking it. These are not comfortable things to talk about and think through sometimes, but they are eminently vital to consider. I’m hoping lots of young men are reading and really considering the implications of decisions they make when they are young. I’ve been married for 4 and a half years and am benefiting greatly from the reminders.

Thanks again.

8. Steve
October 29, 2009
5:33 PM

Tim:

Add mine to the long list of names that endorses the content of your series. Every time I come to your blog I find something of value. I have yet to win a Free Stuff Friday, but…

I’m reproducing your series on our men’s blog. Spreading the good word!

Oh, and happy anniversary. Six years of blogging daily is pretty impressive, even if it is an irrelevant detail.

SDG!

9. humanitas remedium
October 29, 2009
8:31 PM

tim,
thank you so much for these posts. they are well thought out and amazingly helpful.

10. Tim Irvin
October 29, 2009
9:02 PM

“We are required to heed this conscience and not to violate it.”

Please provide Scriptural support for this statement.

The conscience is as depraved as the will and the emotions. It can’t be trusted. To act on your conscience with no regard for the Word of God is a wicked act. Unfortunately, this is an area where we are prone to bend to the opinions of others. We should be considerate of those with a weaker conscience (one that hasn’t been exercised in the Word) but we should learn to be ruled by Scripture Alone.

11. Virginia
October 29, 2009
10:00 PM

“That is one of the strange realities of the way God has made us—he has made us different and has even given us different consciences. So there is great freedom within marriage to explore, to try new things and to enjoy things that are mutually pleasurable.”

The Christian conscience is a remarkable gift given to guide and instruct the believer in all matters of faith. Accordingly, I believe it wise that your post did not include a list of do’s and don’ts. There are some Christians who have a “hypersensitive” conscience and a list of that nature might have proved to be a stumbling block for them. Again, thanks for the great series.

12. Anakin Niceguy
October 30, 2009
12:24 AM

Hey Tim,

Have you have heard of the Fallacy of Guilt by Association? No, men should not watch porn, but just because a porn star does something doesn’t make it sinful. Something, including sex acts, is wrong when it violates the Word of God, not because non-Christians thought of it first.

You’re treading a thin line of legalism here and opening up a Pandora’s box of puritanism. Many evangelicals are already skittish about sex. Knowing some of them, they’ll take your post to mean lights off, clothes on, and no foreplay—he does everything and she just lies there and thinks of England.

You said something about “conquerer.” Sir, you don’t speak for other Christian couples. Um, some women want to be conquered … and want to conquer. Not all loving sex is “tender” and “sweet” my friend. Not all couples want that. If things are done by mutual consent and with mutual respect and don’t violate the Scriptures, then guys like you to need butt out of the situation. Not everybody is like your wife and or the women you know, Tim.

You write …

But the better, more biblical question when it comes to sex is “what pleases her?”

Wrong! It’s what pleases BOTH of you! She has an obligation to be selfless, too. The giving has to go BOTH ways because that’s what the Bible demands.

13. Shulamit
October 30, 2009
12:43 AM

Tim, I’m Jewish and a radical feminist. (Not your typical demographic!) I’ve been reading your blog for over a year; though I disagree with almost all your theology, I find the issues you raise thought-provoking. I’ve been finding this series fascinating and I want to say THANK YOU! especially for this post. When you wrote, “You know full well that many of the acts within pornography are acts of conquest, not acts of love and service” I thought…”Tim really gets it!” Ands while it may not have been your intent, you’ve perfectly captured one of the main issues radical feminists have been pornography. (Next up…analyzing the male gaze! well, maybe not… ;-) )

14. Matt
October 30, 2009
12:30 PM

@Tim

Your series has been absolutely amazing, devastating, convicting, and encouraging, and has really woken me up out of a deceptive haze of minimizing and toying with sin. Thank-you SO much for not pulling any punches and for being fearless and humble in confronting these issues!!!

Your last paragraph was SO encouraging and helpful, particularly the following:

“But if you trust God you will know that he will give grace not only to get over it—actually, to get over yourself—but also to find greater pleasure in greater, purer things.”

Amen!!!

Thanks Tim!!! May God bless you and give you more of His wisdom!!!

@Shulamit

Wow! I really loved your post! :) As someone who spends lots of time on The Guardian’s “Comment is Free” section, I certainly sympathize with what you said about “not your typical demographic.” :)

Just to encourage you, whatever negative things you may have read, heard, or even experienced concerning Christians—and sadly and shamefully, it seems that an awful lot of it is true— the essence of the true Gospel of Christ and real Christianity can be largely encapsulated in the statement you quoted, “You know full well that many of the acts within pornography are acts of conquest, not acts of love and service.” Jesus’s entire life, death, and resurrection was all about love, service, humility, meekness, tenderness, sacrifice, and putting His Father and others above Himself. Jesus not only taught against the venomous wickedness and selfishness of the conquest mentality that underlies things like pornography, He loved, accepted, and pursued those who had been victimized by this evil.

Oh, that Christians—myself included—would be more like Him in our relationships and in all things! We might end up putting feminists, radical or otherwise, out of a job! ;) :)

15. Noah
October 30, 2009
6:01 PM

Anakin,
If you follow the series throughout the week, you will read that Tim has stated clearly he is not writing the articles as a how-to for marriage or to be a list of what is right or what is wrong. He has also stated to the effect that he speaking generally on a topic where there are many questions to be asked on specifics. His wording for the questions were as guidelines and the reader should “fill in as (he) sees fit.” According to your comment, it sounds like you are sticking up for the specific while Tim is speaking for the general audience. The guidelines he provides as a possible help to specific questions answer your objection: if you and your wife are comfortable with a specific in an appropriate setting (i.e. not in public view), then do so.

“But the better, more biblical question when it comes to sex is “what pleases her?” Wrong! It’s what pleases BOTH of you! She has an obligation to be selfless, too. The giving has to go BOTH ways because that’s what the Bible demands.”

I think you’re alluding to the marriage passage in 1 Corinthians to not withhold sex from eachother. In the context of the post, I think Tim is alluding to Ephesians 5:22-33, although you are correct that the wife should be selfless/submitting to the husband, your understanding of a marriage relationship is lacking. Since the husband is like Christ in the marriage and the wife is like the church, the husband loves the wife as Christ loves the church meaning he dies to himself for her sake. This is what it means to be a husband, dying daily to ourselves for her sake because that is the model Christ has provided for us. Loving her is more important that demanding that she live up to her end of the bargain. Consequently, if your wife is a godly wife she will die to herself in doing anything that you ask of her, but if you are a godly husband you will not ask anything of her that you know she wishes not to give because your job is to love her at that moment and die to what you want, knowing that you love what pleases her more than you love what pleases you. Tim said it best: “Sex is not primarily about you.”

16. mouseinthehouse
October 30, 2009
10:08 PM

Intimacy in marriage just gets better as time goes by, in all aspects not just physically, if a couple work at loving and respecting each other as they grow spiritually in Christ as well as holiness. I respect my husband very much, and more as time goes on.

Personal purity and holiness makes marriage richer and please excuse me if I say this, fun. I don’t know why, but over the last five years of our 20 something years together, we are having a good time enjoying each other’s companionship as well as sex. I believe it is because of us both finally “getting it” as to what marriage between believers looks like. We are pretty slow learners, I guess.

We know each other pretty well but that does not mean that we stop being creative and curious lovers, exploring sex as our bodies change with age. Sex in our fiftties is different from sex while we were in our late twenties. You guys will slow down eventually. The viagra ads will begin to make sense at one point or another. And then the kids leave home, and your wives will go through menopause, which brings on a whole new world of possibilities to explore.

Sexual Detox V: Freedom: Tim Challies

Sexual Detox V: Freedom

This is the final entry in a series of articles about sex and, in particular, about sexual detoxification. First I wrote about Pornifying the Marriage Bed, then about Breaking Free and A Theology of Sex. The fourth article dealt with Detoxification. The series was written specifically to target young men—those who are newly married or nearly married or who will, like most of us, be married at some time. I chose this narrow focus because this was the kind of person who triggered the series in my mind and because I felt a narrow focus would be more valuable in the end. That means that, though there were some principles in the series that might benefit any reader, there was a lot that I could not say. For example, I had little to say to singles or to the wives whose husbands may be sinning against them.

One immediate effect of the series is that I can see that a lot of Christian men are just awful leaders in their homes. Their wives truly want husbands who will lead them and yet the men have either abdicated leadership or have abused it by leading their wives into sin. Many of the problems exposed through the Sexual Detox series go back to nonexistent or poor or just plain horrible leadership. Therefore I hope to address leadership in a series targeted to husbands (and future husbands) which will address the necessity of being strong, godly leaders.

I will also try to speak to singles in at least one article. Or perhaps I’ll find someone who would be able to do that. In either case, I received a lot of questions about sex and the single.

Finally, as emails came in, I asked Aileen to help me reply to many of the ones that came from women (both for sake of propriety and to benefit from her wisdom). She and I are preparing an article or two that will focus on women, responding to many of the questions and concerns that arose.

For now, I want to offer a final word—a final challenge and encouragement—to the young men who were the target of this series.

Sexual Detox 5: Freedom

My Path
I know your struggles because not too many years ago they were my struggles. It was not long ago that I was a young man, fighting (and sometimes not fighting) against lust and pornography and all the rest. There was a time when it wooed me and drew me and sought to captivate me. And yet today I can say that pornography does not interest me in the least. God delivered me from the desire to indulge. I can understand your struggles and also assure you that it is possible to find freedom.

There were a handful of Scripture passages that were foundational to my understanding of sex when I was young and considering marriage and when I was young and newly married. They were instrumental in my determination not to succumb to the allure of pornography.

The first of these is one of my favorite passages in the whole Bible. Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” I love the sweetness of this passage. It calls a man to always find joy and satisfaction and intimacy in the wife God has given him. It calls him to recall the delight he had in the days when he and his bride were newly married and to live out of that delight. He has no right to go elsewhere, no right to “drink from another cistern,” to use Solomon’s terminology. And why would he ever want to? The verse both celebrates the gift of sex and the exclusivity of it.

If you are married, God has provided for you the wife of your youth. You are to be intoxicated in her love and not with the body or the heart of another woman or endless series of women. If you are not yet married, then God may well have that woman for you. Every time you look at pornography, every time you give in to lust, you are diminishing your ability to be intoxicated in her love, to find your joy and satisfaction in her.

Just a few verses later in that same passage come these sobering words. “For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray.” Men who refuse to be intoxicated in the love of their wives, men who find delight in the bodies (or images of the bodies) of other women, are committing acts of great folly. This is not foolishness that is akin to silliness, but folly that puts a man in mortal danger. It is a moral foolishness that leads to spiritual death. Their foolishness, their lack of discipline, their lack of concern for their sin, leads them to the paths of death. There are consequences to your sin. When you sin before marriage you bring into marriage all kinds of baggage—all kinds of sexual history that impacts you and your relationship to your wife.

You may be eighteen or twenty and thinking that the occasional look at pornography right now, images to fuel your masturbation, will have no consequences. You are wrong. Even now as you do those things you are sinning against God and against your wife or future wife. You are piling up sin that will make it more difficult for you to be an effective leader and an effective lover. You are thumbing your nose at God’s grace.

Another verse, and a bit of a strange one, I know, is Genesis 26:8. This is the story of Isaac and Abimelech. You remember that Isaac, like his father before him, traveled through a strange land and feared for his life. As a coward he denied his wife rather than risk his life. But then Abimelech looked out of a window and “saw Isaac laughing with Rebekah his wife.” That word laughing is obviously a difficult one to translate and versions of the Bible render it quite differently. When I was young I read a commentary that said, rightly, that it could be translated as sporting. Abimelech looked out of his window and saw Isaac and Rebekah doing something that made him realize that they were clearly not brother and sister; yet he also knew Isaac’s character well enough not to accuse him of anything immoral. Isaac and Rebekah were sporting, they were playing, flirting, undoubtedly just enjoying young love (though perhaps in an inappropriate setting). Somehow that captured a kind of freedom and innocence that I wanted to have with my wife. A freedom and openness that I knew we could not have if we were sinning sexually against one another.

The third verse was 1 Peter 3:7 which commands, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Here I realized that my relationship with my wife had huge spiritual importance. If I am not showing honor to my wife, my own prayers (not hers!) will be hindered. As the leader of my home I need to keep growing spiritually and in order to do this I need to be faithful in prayer. I can only do this, I learned, if I treat my wife as she deserves to be treated. Were I to give in to lust and porn and all other kind of sexual sin, I would be devastating my family. I would not be the only one to suffer. How could I bring that kind of pain and devastation upon the people I love most?

The final passage was 1 Timothy 5:1,2 which reads “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” I saw here the connection between the women of pornography and God’s command that I treat all young women as sisters. How could I do that if I was leering at them on the screen? And how could I leer at anonymous young women on the screen and then assume that I’d be able to then turn off that lust and treat other young women in my life as sisters? Giving in to lust in one area would impact every area. God commanded me to see young women not as sexual objects but as sisters. I had to treat them in all purity, in my heart, in my mind, in my life.

These verses, though they may be a bit of an eclectic collection, challenged me deeply and reset my mind. I memorized them, pondered them, called them to mind and lived by them. And any desire to pursue lust melted away. I know it was a work of God because he worked through his Word, just as he says he will. In its place he gave me a great (and still-growing) love for her and increased joy and satisfaction in my relationship for her. I would not want it any other way.

Conclusion
My encouragement to you is to find a biblical basis for purity, a biblical basis for avoiding pornography. Some men can turn away from pornography by an act of the will. Some can do it by constructing walls of legalism and forcing themselves to live within those boundaries. But it is best, I’m convinced, to find freedom through the Word of God. We need to fight sin with God’s truth; we need to replace the lies we want to believe with what God says is true. Perhaps some of the verses that God used in my life will help you; perhaps he will help you find others. But in any case, go the Bible and find there both the foundation for purity and the wisdom that can help you moment-by-moment.

The saddest emails I have received in the past few days came from women who are older than you are and perhaps even old enough to be your mother. They told tales of utter devastation—of husbands who got into pornography when they were young and who never cared to give it up. And here they are, all these years later, still damaging themselves and their wives and families. The choices they made as young men threaten to tear apart their families today. The women, the one God calls these men to be intoxicated in for all of their lives, live with gaping holes in their hearts, longing for their husbands to step in and fill them up. Could this be your wife some day?

The fact is, God does not give young men free passes when it comes to sin; he does not allow you to run wild for a time and just “get away with it.” Sin carries with it consequences whether you sin at eighteen or eighty. Turn from your sin today. Pursue freedom. Pursue Christ.

This wraps up the Sexual Detox series. Tomorrow I am going to provide a list of recommended resources for reading, counseling and so on. I will also be putting all of these articles together in a booklet. Stay tuned and I’ll let you know when that is ready to go.


Source:
Sexual Detox V: Freedom Tim Challies

Comments (20) »

1. Reggie Osborne II
October 30, 2009
9:23 AM

Great series, Tim. Only a man who has been freed from sin and a servant of Christ could write a fifth entry so personal after describing the damage of the sin so aptly in the first four entries.

I enjoyed the series this week. Thanks.

2. Steve
October 30, 2009
9:31 AM

I read your stuff occasionally- this post is unbelievable! I have lived with this sin since my teenage years and I have only recently been walking in victory- since 2003. Books that have helped include:

Addiction and Grace- Gerald May
Out of the Shadows- Patrick Carnes, Ph. D.
Every Man’s Battle- Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
Sexaholics Anonlymous
Samson and the Pirate Monks- Nate Larkin

Hope this will help someone else.

3. Mike
October 30, 2009
9:32 AM

Tim when I first started following your series I thought - here’s another puritan gonna monitor the marriage bed and tell us how we should have sex, but I have found none of that! this would be a great e-book-tract-pamphlet one that I would send to many teenage boys I know including my son.
Thanks Mike

4. Atone
October 30, 2009
9:55 AM

“But it is best, I’m convinced, to find freedom through the Word of God.”

As long as that freedom completely rests on seeing Jesus as a better treasure than what lies in and on the other side of pornography. Otherwise, Scripture becomes just another vehicle for self-gratification and self-justification…i.e. The Pharisees.

Brad

5. Martin Burch
October 30, 2009
11:35 AM

Tim,
I am a pastor and biblical counselor. I have to say that your treatment of this was balanced, biblical, and personally challenging. I am consistently working with Christians who want to see God redeem them from the pornographic violence that damages their souls and their homes. I believe it is rare to find a young man who has not been affected by porn. I will be using this series in counseling and discipleship. May God continue to bless your life and this message for His glory!

6. Craig
October 30, 2009
12:43 PM

Tim,
Terrific series! I am 52 years old (about 45 years old in the Lord.)
When I read, “And yet today I can say that pornography does not interest me in the least. God delivered me from the desire to indulge.”, my first thought was that for me, God has to continually deliver me from this sinful desire. I thought back to your recent post also,
“Outgrowing the Need for Grace.
But as Solomon grew older, he began to depend less on God. I believe he began to depend on his own wisdom and to stray ever-further from God’s instruction. Where there was once humble dependence on God, there was now dependence on himself. In so doing, he strayed from words of knowledge, and strayed from God Himself.”
I have found sexual purity to be a lifelong battle for which I need to constantly be on guard that I do not think I have outgrown the need for grace. How many men of God do we know of and read about that after decades of ministry (and possibly even sexual purity) meet their downfall in the area of sexual immorality?
The message I most highly recommend to others in the area of the battle for sexual purity and sexual detoxification is David Powlison’s message at the 2004 Sex and the Supremacy of Christ Conference. It can be downloaded from www.desiringgod.com.
Keep on.

7. Tim Challies
October 30, 2009
1:00 PM

How many men of God do we know of and read about that after decades of ministry (and possibly even sexual purity) meet their downfall in the area of sexual immorality?

Amazing, isn’t it? While I can say that pornography and other temptations do not torment me now, I also have learned from seeing so many men fall that the temptation may always be just around the corner. Therefore I am constantly trying to avoid those “little sins” that eventually lead to the big ones. I certainly would not wish to portray some kind of bravado in this. I know how vulnerable I am to every kind of sin…

8. John
October 30, 2009
1:22 PM

Tim,

I would add one additional verse, Rom 8:13

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body,
you will live.

This tells us the consequences of continuing in sin and the only way to successfully fight sin. That is, through the grace of God and his Spirit working in us. We must be reborn and we must turn to God for help.
By yourself you cannot defeat sin.

Great series. John

9. Mike
October 30, 2009
2:31 PM

“I certainly would not wish to portray some kind of bravado in this. I know how vulnerable I am to every kind of sin…”

I agree Tim! Like RC Sproul has said there is no sin he is not capable of committing and I have always been haunted by John Owens statement that when we feel furthest from sin we are closest to it, not an exact quote.
Mike

10. Richard
October 30, 2009
3:30 PM

Thim

Great job! The way you handled this subject matter was very wise, instructive, encouraging, and helpful. As a pastor, this is becoming more and more of an issue within the church. Is there a way you can take your material and put it in a booklet form on you web-page so we can print it. I would love to have it as a resource for young men even for my own sons.

Thanks for addressing the issue with care,
Richard

11. Reg Schofield
October 30, 2009
3:44 PM

Excellent series . Transparency is so vital as well in defeating this insidious deceiver of our souls. Sin is always so sweet to taste at first and how many men , including myself , can drink from these waters without tasting the toxin until its devastating effects take hold.
My sons will be reading this and I have tried my best to show them the evils of pornography . We have had open and honest conversations about sex ,women,a man’s role etc.. Plus as I have showed them form the scriptures , sex is a gift from God for a married couple to show affection,love and its to be a garden protected from the anything that would bring decay .
Well done Tim .

12. Virginia Gay
October 30, 2009
3:49 PM

Tim,

In thinking about the last several responses (#6-#9) I am mindful of how often I say the phrase “there but the grace of God go I.” Tim you said in an earlier article (Outgrowing the Need for Grace) “I will never outgrow my need for this sustaining grace.” Whether unmerited favor (grace) or grace that sustains, it is the ultimate and most glorious gift.

(At the risk of being redundant)
Sola gratia!

13. Polarbear
October 30, 2009
4:32 PM

Fantabulous series!!! I am humbled, convicted, and hopefully a better leader and husband for it. I would encourage you to expand this into a book as it could help so many men and women with their struggles.

14. R Bauman
October 30, 2009
5:41 PM

Tim, thank you. Would you consider publishing this in a booklet? I’ve already given it to my sons.

15. Josh Reich
October 30, 2009
5:56 PM

One of the saddest things about the american church is how much we accomadate boys to be boys. We need to be calling men to be men.

I recently preached on this topic and the response was overwhelming from both men and women. Singles and couples want to know what a man is supposed to be like and what a woman is supposed to be like.

Here is what I mean: http://missionalthoughts.wordpress.com/2009/10/24/why-male-headship-does-not-work/.

16. Nathan
October 30, 2009
6:16 PM

My advice to unmarried people: if you sin by catching a glimpse of one of those videos / magazines to starring in one, it’s NOT the end of future relationships. Don’t get me wrong — sin does damage, but I think people tend to exaggerate. Christmas won’t be ruined because of a few broken ornaments.

I know people here will say that I’m trivializing a serious matter. Realize, though, that people who fall in this trap (of using this garbage) tend to feel crushed — not by the real results of the sin — but by what they assume will be the results: a future family torn apart, a wife with gaping holes in her heart and life-long regret of ruining something perfect. These aren’t necessary results — there IS healing. People CAN put these things behind. A relationship CAN still be very beautiful and fulfilling — unless you fall into another trap of wallowing around in regret and unfaithfulness (to God) assuming you are unforgiven / unforgivable. This trap is way worse than the first!

17. Tim Challies
October 30, 2009
6:16 PM

FYI, I’m working on the booklet. I’ll try to find a way of releasing it free for download and at cost (or close to it) in some kind of a printed format.

18. D.L. Kane
October 30, 2009
6:28 PM

Thomas Watson said, “When you are to resist a temptation, or to mortify a corruption—do not go out in your own strength, but in the strength of Christ. Some go out to duty in the strength of their abilities; and go out against sin in the strength of their resolutions—and they both come home foiled. Alas! What are our resolutions, but like the green cords which bound Samson! A sinful heart will soon break these!

Do as David when he was to go up against Goliath. He said, “I come to you in the name of the Lord!” So say to your Goliath lust, “I come to you in the name of Christ!” Then we conquer, when the Lion of the tribe of Judah marches before us!”

Is not God omnipresent? If pornography is a “battle”, then take the words of Thomas Watson to heart and every time you feel tempted to click that mouse, say, “Hello pornography—I come to you in the name of Christ.” I think the truth is, that it is NOT A BATTLE but an Idol that you prefer over Christ. We bring Christ into our battles. We don’t invite Christ to join you as we worship at the throne of an idol.

Do we not live in the reality of God’s omnipresence and omniscience? Next time you desire to get your dose of pornography, simply acknowledge that what you are really saying is, “Pull up a seat Lord and let’s enjoy ourselves together, shall we?”

He is there with you and watching you, whether you invite Him or not—whether you acknowledge His presence or not. If you can acknowledge those two things and still click the mouse, you should be more concerned about your soul than about your “struggle” with pornography.

19. Grace
October 31, 2009
9:35 AM

Tim,

You did an amazing job with this series…I really enjoyed reading it…especially this last one. I appreciate your honesty. I cannot wait to hear Aileen’s perspective:)

20. Julia
October 31, 2009
8:30 PM

Tim,
Thanks so much for your honesty and maturity in dealing with this subject. My husband and son are doing Douglas Bond’s Stand Fast series and are nearing the section that talks about these issues. Thank you for more than adequately adding to the material my husband can present. You are a blessing!
Julia

Sexual Detox VI: Recommended Resources: Tim Challies

Sexual Detox: Recommended Resources

Having wrapped up the Sexual Detox series, I thought it would be useful to provide a list of recommended resources for those who wish to do reading on a particular topic.

Pretty much every author who has written more than, say, ten books has written one on the Lord’s Prayer and one on either sex or marriage (or perhaps both). It seems to be some kind of rite of passage. I assume I’ll get a memo about it after I’ve written a few more books. So if you have a favorite author, you may want to check if he or she has written on the topic. Meanwhile, here are some other suggestions. I am relying mostly on books I have read, so the list is somewhat smaller than it would otherwise be.

First off, let me give special mention to the series of mini books published by New Growth Press on behalf of CCEF. Many of their titles are very relevant to this series. For example:
It’s All About Me: The Problem with Masturbation,
Sex Before Marriage: How Far is Too Far?,
Single and Lonely: Finding the Intimacy You Desire,
Help! My Spouse Committed Adultery: First Steps for Dealing with Betrayal, or Renewing Marital Intimacy: Closing the Gap Between You and Your Spouse.

You can learn more about the series from New Growth Press. They are all available through Amazon.

Sex Undefiled - Harry Schaumburg writes about finding redemption from sexual sin and seeks to help couples find restoration for breaking or broken relationships.

False Intimacy - Also by Harry Schaumburg, this book looks to the struggle of sexual addiction, including homosexuality, cybersex and so on.

Sex and the Supremacy of Christ - This book, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor, is the product of a Desiring God conference so is a compendium of conference talks and other useful essays or articles. It is a bit of a grab bag but there is lots of good stuff.

Intended for Pleasure - This is a nuts and bolts kind of book that is often given to newlyweds to help them get “oriented” in the bedroom. Most couples who aren’t given one before they get married end up trying to track one down during their honeymoon.

Sexual Redemption Bundle - Monergism Books has bundled a whole lot of resources into one “sexual redemption bundle” based around Harry Schaumburg’s Undefiled.

Marriage

This Momentary Marriage - John Piper puts a lot of effort into writing about the link between the union of husband and wife and the union of Christ to his church.

When Sinners Say ‘I Do’ - Dave Harvey’s book is a really good one for the newly married as it deals honestly with the inevitability of sin.

The Intimate Marriage - R.C. Sproul focuses on communication as key to a great marriage. His chapter on Communication and Sex deals with unusual topics like frigidity, impotence and what is permissible within marriage.

Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis has only a couple of chapters dealing with sex and marriage but they are top-notch. You’ve probably got the book somewhere, so pull it out and read those chapters.

A Biblical Guide to Love, Sex and Marriage - Derek and Rosemary Thomas wrote this book on sex and marriage based on Song of Solomon.

Love that Lasts - Gary and Betsy Ricucci cover a wide range of marriage-related topics in this book, one of the better ones I’ve read on marriage.

Men, Sex Is Not the Problem, Lust Is - This book, by Josh Harris, is great reading for any man, married or single. I’ve read it on my own and read it as part of a men’s group. In both cases it was well worth it.

Sex, Romance and the Glory of God - C.J. Mahaney does a good job of challenging men to be godly husbands. The enduring wisdom here is never to touch your wife’s body until you’ve touched her heart and her mind.

Women Feminine Appeal - Carolyn Mahaney writes a book for women in which she challenges them on a host of issues related to love, sex and marriage.

Becoming the Woman of His Dreams - I haven’t done more than skimmed this one, but this one by Sharon Jaynes comes highly recommended by Aileen. I found Jaynes particularly strong in her description of how men perceive sex and its importance to them.

Web Sites

CCEF - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation offers counseling and excellent resources on any number of issues (including the New Growth Press titles mentioned earlier).

Boundless - Targeted at Christian singles and young adults, Boundless features all kinds of great resources in their blog and webzine.

Stone Gate Resources - At Stone Gate Resources offers Brief Intensive Counseling for couples who are in need of intensive and immediate help. If your marriage is on the rocks due to sex-related issues, this is a good place to seek help.



Source:
Sexual Detox: Recommended Resources Tim Challies

Comments (10) »

1. Devin
October 31, 2009
10:20 AM

So glad “Every Man’s Battle” is not on the list. That book was entirely unhelpful for me.

2. Nick Hill
October 31, 2009
10:34 AM

Tim,

Did you read Pure Sex by Philiip Jensen and Tony Payne (Matthias Media)? Was it helpful? I thought that I would see it on the list.

Nick

3. Anonymous
October 31, 2009
10:39 AM

Tim, I know it’s been said before - but thank you for writing this series. It is providentially timely. I saw and investigated an original ad for Undefiled on your blog site. I have been very impressed with Stone Gate Resources. These articles of yours and finding out about Stone Gate have felt like they are intended as God’s provision for my ex-fiance and me as we struggle to rebuild a relationship that has been deeply impacted by the fall-out of these patterns of sin; established in a pre-redeemed life - and still bearing “fruit.”

I have passed the articles on to my ex-fiance and talked much about the hope for restoration/obedience from an intensive Bible-centered program like Stone Gates. There has been resistance to recognizing the depth of the problem, and continuing denial of the extent of the taint and damage, and the need for more than just “God and me” to break the bondage and bring real change. I have struggled with feeling hopeless and helpless to do anything more to break the legacy of pain and death. I have presented. “All” I can do now is pray that the Holy Spirit will work mightily - recognizing that He desires obedience in this area more than I ever can - and promises to “will and to do for His good pleasure.”

4. Brother Eugene
October 31, 2009
11:33 AM

Great list of resources!

One more just came to mind that I wanted to share:

In “The Four Loves” by C.S. Lewis, the chapter about the love of “eros” is also a helpful one regarding sex and marriage.

5. Bob
October 31, 2009
1:09 PM

Another great book on marriage is “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. The message that marriage is not so much about our happiness as it is about our holiness is one that our culture needs to hear.

6. Ricky
October 31, 2009
6:08 PM

This was a great, thought-provoking, and helpful series. I really needed this, so thanks!

I just wanted to add that a few of the Piper books you recommend (including the ones listed in the Sexual Redemption Bundle) are available for free PDF download from his website, www.desiringgod.org, on the http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/OnlineBooks/ByTitle/ page. You’ll find “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ”, “Finally Alive”, “This Momentary Marriage”, “What Jesus Demands from the World”, and “What’s the Difference?” available.

Of course, nothing beats actual paper. :P

7. Jerry Sinclair, Marriage Missionary for Faithful & True of Jacksonville, FL USA
October 31, 2009
9:47 PM

Tim,
I came across your website & I am very impressed with your credentials & desire to speak the truth. Allow me to do the same in love after I quote you:

“…And yet today I can say that pornography does not interest me in the least. God delivered me from the desire to indulge. I can understand your struggles and also assure you that it is possible to find freedom.”

Tim, I am aware of the struggle of lust & I relate to the writings of the Apostle Paul in Romans 7:15ff. My 15 years of recovery was not an easy journey. I cringe slightly from the subject of “being delivered”. I relate the verbage to certain religious groups that want to “name it, claim it” or “Proclaim victory now in the name of Jesus Christ”. The men I work with ‘know’ for sure that they are never imune from temptation. They live one day at a time.

The few that have departed our program because they no longer had a problem were not able to explain why their wife was still filing for divorce… OR not shared their sinful behavior with parents, siblings or age appropiate children.

Our Christ-centered support groups challenge men to live a life of purity while examining other sinful defects of character. Thus, this can be a lifelong journey towards purity. We follow Scripture along the way & use a workbook written by dr. Mark Laaser. He & his wife have written several books about sexual addiction, recovery, spouse recovery, spritual abuse, etc. I encourage you & others to visit his website www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

8. Anonymous
November 1, 2009
12:11 AM

As a student in the MS in counseling program at PBU, I have had to read a lot of books on marriage and sex, a few good ones:
-Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, brings the focus back to God after disillusionment with marriage… it is a very good book, particularily if the couple is having problems in their marriage.
- Hold Me Tight, seven conversations for a lifetime of love: not a christian book, but a really good book that teaches couples how to have good conversations
- I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay Crosse- this is a book written by a famous christian musician about the struggle of pornography in his own marriage.

9. Philip
November 1, 2009
1:10 AM

My wife and I separated in the spring of 2008, with divorce likely. I attended Stone Gate BIC (Brief Intensive Counseling),and God used Dr. Schaumburg and Stone Gate mightily in my life as God worked to change me from the heart out. After over a year of separation, we are together again, and I think it is safe to say that no one who knew our situation would have believed it possible for true reconciliation to happen. I would highly, highly recommend it for any couple devastated by the consequences of sexual sin to consider Stone Gate BIC, as well as his book “Undefiled” and the corresponding workbook .

10. Brian
November 1, 2009
5:13 AM

Tim:

Great series; thank you.

May I recommend a biblical counseling website that is perfect for anyone struggling with sexual sin? http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com is an outstanding resource based on nouthetic counseling and biblical solutions, not worldy psychology. I have mentored with them and they are solid.